Great, Accuray, now I've got that song in my head ... "Here comes the spider, here comes the spider, here comes the spiderman.....!"
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I never treated my W the way your H treats you. My W's issues precede me and don't have that much to do with me other than that I can exacerbate them and they bother me.
Except that what I'm hearing from everyone here is that my issues don't have anything to do with H's actions either. That it's coming from some childhood hurt. So my issues evidently preceded my H, too. I'm just saying, if it's this hard to fix, I get checking out. I know EXACTLY what to do to promote my H's happiness, too, and as long as I didn't expect him to do anything in kind, we'd be great!
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Those blind spots could just be my misunderstanding because of the difficulty of this medium, or they could be real. I don't know.
Yes, the basic problem of blind spots. One is blind to them. Until they poke in the butt.
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There is definitely so much frustration and ire directed at H, but the examples you give of why he deserves that don't seem that bad. Maybe that's why there's the disconnect. We can't see the non-verbal communication or hear the tone of voice.
I've have definitely considered this could possibly be part of my problem! That I just have my standards set too high. I acknowledge that I have perfectionist tendencies, and I've been told that I impose my standards onto other people. I've considered perhaps it really isn't that big of a deal that H sought out and chatted with his exGF, shared how he wished they had never broke up, fantasized with her about what life would be like now. Maybe it really isn't that bad. He certainly argued that it wasn't. Maybe I just need to lower my standards. Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal if I got a little touchy-feely with a guy at a bar some night, maybe kissed a little. I mean, at least I'm not in love with him and don't have a sexual history with him, so that could be somewhat equated to what H did. I know I might really enjoy it, so as long as I hide it from H, then why not? Maybe.
H has always said that I should focus more on forgiveness. I get that. Forgiveness is especially easy when there's nothing to forgive (H not liking mushrooms, for example.) If I don't have as high of standards for our M, then I can certainly accommodate. At the same time, if I do happen to do something that H doesn't like, I can focus on the fact that he's supposed to forgive me and move on, just like he purports about me -- so no biggie.
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Maybe we can try focusing on what makes you feel good about you, and forget the problems and issues for now. I think your posters are getting you rolled up in a carpet today, and maybe that's not productive.
That sounds fun. I don't think that would address my issues, though. I do have the weekend to myself -- S and H are going camping w/ boyscouts. I'm going to a movie tonight with BFF, probably a margarita afterwards. Tomorrow, I'm planning to visit my 90yo gma and let her beat me at Scrabble a few times (let her! lol! She cleans my clock!) Somewhere in there, I have to do some homework, which is not bad. I'm actually enjoying going back to school. It gives my mind something to focus on besides my M. Sunday is open, so if the weather is nice, I'd love to get out, maybe go biking.
Some of your Q's I'll have to think about. I can't even imagine 4 weeks of whatever I wanted to do. But it will be fun to think about.
BTW, the cookies are baking for the camping trip. I already plan to give H a big hug and a peck when he leaves (yes, this is big for me.) I'm not completely uncooperative here, just not seeing the forest yet.
