H asked why I didn't fight for him like this before? I told him I didn't feel that I had to fight for him. I think what he means is that I didn't put that kind of effort and energy into our M before. I think him seeing me lose it like I have done a few times is almost making him see that I do care about him, but he doesn't know what to do with this information. He says he is trying to sort it all out in his head, trying to understand me, but says he doesn't know who I am anymore. H feels that he needs to know everything about me, including what I'm thinking.
This situation is so hard NhMom. IMO, you're much better off NOT letting H understand you or know everything about you. In fact, as long as OW is in the picture, the less he knows and understands the better. You need to make him feel out of control and not know what you're going to do.
After the adrenaline of an argument has worn off, you do get a rush of endorphins that make both you and H feel good -- it's "makeup chemistry". I've read that marriages characterized by arguments are often healthier because of this post-argument bonding. Right now for you, however, this is just letting H cake-eat. He's keeping you on the line while being able to continue with OW.
Everything he's saying there is cr@p. He is skillfully keeping you in pursuit mode. I would not trust any of it.
WRT kissing OW and having an EA not being cheating, he knows that's wrong. Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts (not really, but you get my point). Check out Pat Love's website. In the "Downloads" section there are a bunch of word documents and powerpoints that she uses for her seminars. Download the Word document about an "Office Spouse".
That document describes where the line is drawn, and what is over the line. Having a social conversation with a female co-worker at night on the iPad IMO is not acceptable.
My DB coach suggested downloading the Pat Love document and going through it with W to ensure understanding and agreement specifically on where we draw the line.
As long as OW is involved, your best bet is detach, detach, detach. Emotional distance is your friend!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
