I haven't posted in a couple of days, partly because I've had more blow-ups and I'm trying to get down to the issue and understand why I keep losing it.
I'm not going to post everything that went down a couple of nights ago, but basically H was chatting with OW on his iPad. As soon as I entered the room, he quickly closed the screen. That small sign of secrecy made me lose it. I threw my rings at him, told him to 'f off'. I don't usually swear, but that night I swore like a sailor.
H is still in denial. He thinks that kissing OW is not cheating, that having an EA is not cheating. H defended his "friendship" with OW, which in turn fueled my anger. It was not a good night. I think I told him a few times to get the f* out. I said a few things that made him very angry. At some point he grabbed me by my wrists as I was trying to get out. I threatened to call to cops if he didn't let go.
I told him I don't want to be a doormat, and he said that it's why he likes about me, that I'm strong willed and won't take any crap. I told him I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
H asked why I didn't fight for him like this before? I told him I didn't feel that I had to fight for him. I think what he means is that I didn't put that kind of effort and energy into our M before. I think him seeing me lose it like I have done a few times is almost making him see that I do care about him, but he doesn't know what to do with this information. He says he is trying to sort it all out in his head, trying to understand me, but says he doesn't know who I am anymore. H feels that he needs to know everything about me, including what I'm thinking.
A lot more things were said that I either don't remember or don't really want to write down. These blow ups are nasty. I feel so out of control, like I'm possessed or something. I can't stop saying what's on my mind. Why can't I control myself?
Believe it or not, in all that went down, I was able to grab some positives out of H. H said that I am "the best thing that happened to him". That H regrets kissing OW. Even if he doesn't admit that it falls under the cheating category, he seems to at least think that it was wrong.
We ended up falling asleep with his arm tightly wrapped around me.
Things "seem" to look up after these types of confrontations for a little while. But then he goes to work (and he works closely with OW), and when he comes home he always seems off.
H has a job interview next Tuesday. I could use all the prayers I could get. Maybe it could be a step towards moving forward. As long as he works with OW (and won't draw the line between business and inappropriate), I don't think I'll be able to move forward. I hate being stuck in this situation and there is nothing I can do. H is choosing his "friendship" with OW over our M. He would rather give up our 13 1/2 years together over some dumb girl he met just a few months ago who is "just a friend"?
