Where to next?

[mishka422]

I would like to have definition on our R. I don't need to see where it's going. It will go wherever we take it. I just want to know what he sees me as I guess.

Am I just a FB?
Am I someone he cares for but is only staying with out of necessity?
Is it still ILYBINILWY?
What?

As far as what I want to ask of him? That's a good question. There are things I feel I need but those things really depend on his attitude toward our R.

If I'm just a FB or the fall-back place to live with benefits then I don't see that I could ask anything at all of him. I either accept that or tell him to move on because it's hurting me.

If it's ILYBINILWY then I think we need to set up more boundaries so I can protect my heart. I'm in WAY too deep and the idea that this will never go anywhere feels like someone is stabbing me over and over in the chest and I can't breathe. That is FAR too much attachment and it worries me. I won't go back to that dark place. I have such a hard time maintaining the gray place I live in right now!!!

So, until I get an answer from him, I'm just in limbo.....for what feels like eternity!

Some days I wish he would just walk out again so I could find a direction in my life. I'd be hurt, but I'd know where I stand.

[mishka422]

And yes.....1 more day!!!!

[MichelleLT]

So first question is something along the lines of what is our relationship?

Make a list of the things you feel you need from a committed relationship. Don't make it necessarily specific to Gabe, but just your list of things you would want/need in any committed relationship in your future.

As for wishing he would walk out again, you sound like a WAW. You actually have sounded like a WAW on many occasions in the last year.

And as for now, this limbo, you don't actually know where you stand because you haven't talked. So the first step is to talk. I think you are letting your doubts control the situation because it is less hurtful than hoping right now. But don't assume you know how Gabe feels, go into this conversation with an open mind.

[mishka422]

As for wishing he would walk out again, you sound like a WAW. You actually have sounded like a WAW on many occasions in the last year.

YIKE! Seriously????? Not something I ever though of.

Of course, you can only be a WAW if you're a W or even count in any way with the person you're with.

You're right, until I talk to him I'm stuck. It is going to have to happen very soon or I might lose my ever lovin' mind completely.

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, WAW doesn't apply exactly I suppose. I am sure you can be a WAP (walk-away partner) regardless.

As for that, yes, you do. 1. You don't ask for things or disagree with him because you don't expect him to step up and meet your needs. 2. You are either resigned to a R that is less than what you want it to be or convinced that when you do have this talk it is going to be the end of this relationship. And saying you almost wish he would leave?

You aren't any more committed to this R than you THINK he is because of your walls.

[mishka422]

Dear God, you're so right. I hadn't even looked at it that way.

My walls are not just there, they are fortified with boiling pots of oil on top! ARGH!

Caution has to go out the window is what you're saying. Take the risk, speak up and face the consequences. If he freaks out he freaks out. I'll never get what I need until I ask for it.

Got it.

Why are my hands sweating and my breathing has become labored just thinking about doing this? I'm seriously having a minor panic attack. How dumb is that??? I hate being such a whimp.

[MichelleLT]

Take the risk, speak up, and face the possibility that you can have what you want!

Do all the prep to give yourself the best chance of success. Pick your time and place wisely. Plan out what you want to say, what questions you want answered, listen well, continue the conversation til later if it starts getting too long. You know what to do.

It's not dumb. You are talking about facing down some big demons, and I'm not talking about Gabe, I'm talking about your own world view, your own insecurities.

[mishka422]

Thx Michelle! You are always the voice of reason for me.

Bless you!!!

[kat727]

Go into it thinking of our MichelleLT. As hard as it may be don't get into the emotions right now. Try to talk about where this relationship is for you, that it is difficult for you to not know what "this" is, what you need this relationship to be. See if what you both think meshes, you might be a lot closer than either of you think.

kat

[mishka422]

His dad is gone!!!!! YEA!!!!!!

We had both had quite enough of him by Sunday night so these last 4 days were torturous. Glad that is over.

I'm hoping to talk to Gabe tomorrow. I still am totally scattered on what to say but we'll see how it goes.