In his world, he has his own scorecard and you are Not ahead. In his world, he's trying not to hurt you, but you seem angry at him often, and you seem to set him up for failure. You disrespect him and it shines/shows clearly that you feel little love for him (love that you are in touch with at least.)
How do you think HE feels? I mean have you really tried to empathize with him?
His scorecard does say that I'm ahead. He feels remorse, right now. He realizes what he did wrong. But he also forgives himself very easily (I wish I had that talent.) Except then he just does the same thing again. Why are we talking about him again, if my focus should be on me?
Quote:
The more you blame him and hold yourself harmless, the more powerLESS you are.
Do you see that?
Only by owning your issues (such as, hypothetically, being critical and judgemental) are you empowered to DO anything.
Otherwise it's all about getting HIM to change--and you cannot do that,
I mentioned in a very short post that my micro instructor might be the best thing for my M. I didn't elaborate, perhaps I should have. I can see myself in him, at least things that my H has had a hard time putting into words. I'm find the same difficulty putting it into words myself. But my point is, I came up with that. I noticed. I am focusing on my issues, even when no one is prodding me. I'm tempted to drop the class, but I've already decided that the lesson he teaches unintentionally about my role in my R will be well worth it, even if I flunk the subject matter. The thing is, I belong to another board that I can bash my H all day long if I want, and everyone there will tell me what a jerk he is, but I haven't even logged on there in months because that doesn't accomplish anything. The easiest way for me to focus on me, is to not talk about him here, and not engage with him more than necessary in order to avoid conflict that I might blame on him.
Quote:
But there are kids and so I listened and I worked on forgiving and letting go of the past b/c at some point it's like the vows say
"from this day forward" and letting go is essential.
It's never easy to repair damaged r's, but forgiveness is mandatory in ALL lasting marriages. Take that in...
But forgiveness is a learned skill. And it's a gift we give ourselves. Do you accept that?
I get that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. But forgiveness doesn't make it not hurt. And forgiveness doesn't change what you now know about the person. I read a quote once that said, "Sure, I'm good enough to forgive you, I'm just not stupid enough to trust you again." This is coarse, but I get the point, especially when the person has done nothing to change the behavior that caused it. This is the "mushrooms" in our marriage. H doesn't like M. I know that about him. I don't even have to "forgive" him, since there's nothing to forgive, but it changes our interactions (eg. We don't share dishes that contain mushrooms.) I believe knowledge, not lack of forgiveness, is what redefines a relationship. Just like now I KNOW that he still has significant feelings for his college sweetheart.
Quote:
Finally, how does he get along with your sons? How do you think they feel about him?
They seem to enjoy his company since they want both of you at things. So, that means something, right?
Of course S loves him. That's not a good barometer. Even kids that are getting beat by a parent still love them. Just like the fact that he gripes about H once in a while isn't grounds to prove he's a bad father. Again, if the focus should be on me, why is this a topic of discussion?
