First, I just want to say that I really appreciate the effort that you all are putting into me. You're obviously frustrated with me. I hope you don't give up. I'm not getting it, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I've read the above posts 3 times already, I'm sure I'll read them again. You keep telling me that I need to work on myself, but that's exactly what I keep saying I want to do. Mostly, I don't even want to talk about H, so I'm not sure where the issue with that lies.
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So, rather that going into reactive B mode anytime anyone suggests something that might involve treating H with some modicum of decency, why not think about that suggestion as a way to change yourself? As a way to learn how to be a better, happier person yourself?
How does that work? I'm not chewing on him, I've simply retreated. I still manage to do decent things, as you put it. I'm baking cookies for him to take camping this weekend, and had plans for that before reading these posts. I had done this throughout our M, yet it still flat-lined because my lovebank was overdrawn. How does doing something someone suggests for my H make me a better, happier person?
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You are in pain. You want to make sure that H pays for it and are willing to do anything that might give him the slightest relief. You defend blindly against treating H with humanity.
Can you be specific? Again, I'm not mean, I just want to get away. I'm just trying to breathe myself. Whether I think it's his doing or my doing, I at least need to get my feet on solid ground. How I am making him pay for it?
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And, again, the simple question: why are you in such pain?
Can you not even label the pain, is it that hard to face? I understand if it is. I've been there. But nothing, including running from H, will get you where you want to be until you confront it.
This is not a simple question. I wouldn't say that I am in pain except for what he has done to me. Are you looking for me to say that I'm in pain because I stumbled across his secret EA with his college sweetheart? That it hurt to read the words he was exchanging with her? That it hurt when I confronted him and he lied about it, until I handed him a printout? That the thing that hurt worst of all is when he told me it was no big deal, because she lived two states away and it hadn't gotten physical, and that I was being unreasonable? Do you want me to say that I'm in pain because that incident and a half-dozen like it give me reason to not trust my H, and I don't know how to build a marriage w/o trust? I don't know what pain you're looking for me to admit to.
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You SAY you want to know what TO DO and you do not want to go into detail about the exact nature of your interactions. That would have helped us advise.
Dredging up the past is counter to SBT. We've done MC for years, and I'm personally just tired of revisiting it. I've been trying to give you IRL play-by-plays and looking for feedback. What is it that you would like to know that you feel that I'm not telling you that you feel would help the current sitch?
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In the interactions you do describe, I must say I find your behavior as unproductive as his is, and this is based on Your words here, not his. So I hope you'll take that in.
And note, almost every suggested course of action is rejected by you. "Too hard" or you are just not there yet or there's some reason you won't or can't.
I am not sure if you have taken ANY of the advice about what to DO.
Have you? I'm curious. What do you make of that?
First, if I play out something then post the interaction, I can't go back and "redo" it, so any advice I get has to be something that I apply going forward for "the next time." In that case, there won't be any immediate action. I've gotten advice on books to read, which I either have done or at least ordered the book and I'm waiting. I had already looked into the EE conference before OT responded (someone else already had.) I had already looked at the calendar and talked with H last night about going. I planned to order tickets today.
The only things I feel like I haven't received well are comments that involve engaging with H in some fluffy manner, and I can't pull that off without it coming across completely forced, because that's what it would be. What other advice have I been given that I'm not following?
