Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2

[tenbusrider]

Preparing for the time that I'll be able to give the apology, I've typed up something along the lines of what I'd like to say. This is somewhat of a work in progress, as I continue reflecting on my actions. I also probably won't be saying this stuff verbatim, but it is what I'll be trying to convey. Please give feedback if you can. I'm trying to take ownership of what I've done wrong and am asking her for forgiveness.

In the short period of time that I haven't been drinking, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on our time together, comparing my mental processes now to what they were at any point while I was drinking. It's an ongoing process, but
there are some things I wanted to share with you.

I used to think that because police never had to get involved as a result of my drinking, that it wasn't that big of a problem, but I'm seeing now just how large of a problem it actually was, and how much of a role it played in me disappointing you and letting you down.

When you had your gall bladder surgery, I stayed in your room until you'd been brought back. I asked the nurse if you were going to be awake tonight, hoping I could go home and drink. When she said you wouldn't be, I left. There was no excuse for that, there was absolutely no reason that I couldn't have stayed there with you. This is only one example of many, but a significant one in both our minds. Unfortunately, there were worse things that happened.

I think that the worst thing about the times that I hit you was that I'd convinced myself I was justified in doing what I'd done. Sobriety and serious introspection has shown me that not only was I wrong, but I horribly abused both you and your love for me. The betrayal and indignation you feel are no longer a surprise.

But these are just the largest things I did wrong... there are innumerable other things that happened so often as to be a pervasive part of how I disrespected you: looking at other women, telling you to shutup or that I didn't care when you just wanted to talk to me, manipulating you, and taking the person most important in my life for granted. It really is no wonder you can't trust me. I wouldn't feel any differently if our roles were reversed.

You really have put up with a lot for me, and I was too blind to see it.

I want you to know how sorry I am for what I've done. For drinking for years, for belittling you, for abusing you... I don't know why it took all this to make me see it, but I'm grateful to you for forcing me to see it. This is why I'm asking you, from the bottom of my heart: will you please forgive me?