When it's a one-way street...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

I really like this ^^^^ analysis by OT.

Some people think I waited for my h for 2 years. I didn't.

He went off to the tundra and I filed for a sep to protect our assets and get our older d thru high school.

I was pretty done. I REALLY GAL big time. I accepted that the m was over. I eventually became pretty darn happy and at peace with my new life, discreetly began dating after the first year, so it took some hard work from h

for me to even consider reconciling.

So as OT is saying, I became the WAS, after being the LBS. And once I had truly let him go,

he sure seemed to wake up. He had the awakening I had. But that was never my goal b/c I believed we were done.

Hope what OT says makes sense to you b/c I also agree that you are externalizing so much of what is happening in you. And the LBS absolutely grows more than the typical WAS. Unless the LBSer stays stuck in the blame game. That can happen.

I got sick and tired of mc's telling me h was "being selfish" and "acting single" b/c that just meant I was "right, but powerless."

You SAY you want to know what TO DO and you do not want to go into detail about the exact nature of your interactions. That would have helped us advise.

In the interactions you do describe, I must say I find your behavior as unproductive as his is, and this is based on Your words here, not his. So I hope you'll take that in.

And note, almost every suggested course of action is rejected by you. "Too hard" or you are just not there yet or there's some reason you won't or can't.

I am not sure if you have taken ANY of the advice about what to DO.

Have you? I'm curious. What do you make of that?

It is hard to know what you really want. There are NO EASY solutions and no one will "declare you right". I used to actually want that. Now I see how obstructive that approach was, to real progress.

This isn't about being right, it's about being happy. Lose the scorecard.

In his world, he has his own scorecard and you are Not ahead. In his world, he's trying not to hurt you, but you seem angry at him often, and you seem to set him up for failure. You disrespect him and it shines/shows clearly that you feel little love for him (love that you are in touch with at least.)

How do you think HE feels? I mean have you really tried to empathize with him?

I think you are shaking your head now and telling yourself that we all "just don't get it" and that he is so offensive to you, all you want is something to hold onto...

but we keep saying the answer is INSIDE YOU, not him. Here is my main point-

The more you blame him and hold yourself harmless, the more powerLESS you are.

Do you see that?

Only by owning your issues (such as, hypothetically, being critical and judgemental) are you empowered to DO anything.

Otherwise it's all about getting HIM to change--and you cannot do that,

OR we can tell you it's over, and give you permission to leave him.

There are no secrets for finding peace in a mediocre marriage. I can't make you want to want it to work. I have been in that place and if there were no kids I'd have completed the divorce and not seen h again unless he chased me down somewhere.

But there are kids and so I listened and I worked on forgiving and letting go of the past b/c at some point it's like the vows say

"from this day forward" and letting go is essential.

It's never easy to repair damaged r's, but forgiveness is mandatory in ALL lasting marriages. Take that in...

But forgiveness is a learned skill. And it's a gift we give ourselves. Do you accept that?

IOW, his behavior or remorse, or lack thereof, is NOT relevant to you forgiving him. You letting go of the rage, IS relevant. And it's for you. You sound consumed by it and I have been there, done that.

When my anger consumed me, I was a LESS involved parent at a time when my d's needed me more. I was preoccupied and in pain. I wrongly believed that h and I had to agree on our marital history and our past.

We don't. All we have to do is agree on our future and again, "from this day forward."

If you keep acting defrauded by your h, and believe the only mistake you made was in choosing him, then

you are missing the opportunity for personal growth

that is the single good thing about being in this horrible situation.

It is [i]that personal growth from tragedy and our inward journeys, /i] that so many LBSers discuss here, that has lead us to the most contented time in our lives.

Don't let the one decent thing this situation offers you, painful growth from introspection and relationship work, fade out b/c you refuse to look deep within.

I believe if your h is as bad as you say and you are not seething or waiting to pounce on him then clearly he's not worth it. You are posting here, perhaps,

b/c you think there might be something in you that COULD love him again.


Make sense?

Finally, how does he get along with your sons? How do you think they feel about him?

They seem to enjoy his company since they want both of you at things. So, that means something, right?