If you don't find your H's fixing things a turn-on, then don't say it. That is very far from the point.
You seem to think what I write is about H and about H's interests. It isn't. What I write is all about YOU for your OWN sake. I don't know your H, I have no opinion about whether he is a decent guy. I have no opinion as to whether you should stay with him or not. I will almost surely never have any interaction with him.
I've been posting here for 10 years. I'm remarried, I have a 5 year old child. I'm not into the whole LBS/WAS thing. In particular, I'm not into coddling WASs OR LBSs. Neither "side" is the morally superior, neither side is "right" or "wrong." The biggest differences are (1) timing and (2) ability to own one's own stuff.
In any M with a WAS, the M [censored]. When LBS's on these boards get past the huge trauma of being bombed, they eventually admit it. An M doesn't just suck for one person, it [censored] for both people. One of the people is going to reach their limit first. That person becomes the WAS. The other person becomes the WAS.
Now, as a matter of fact, I think the LBS's are the luckier ones. The bomb trauma immediately shakes one up -- you are groundless, without the self you know, without your life. It is hard not to look inward. Most LBSs emerge stronger, better, compassionate people, no matter how things turn out. They learn much quicker to own their own stuff.
WASs however do not experience the huge loss for quite a long while. This is because while the WAS really IS gone from the LBS, the WAS also knows that the LBS is theirs for the plucking. The WASs do not have the sudden jarring to the system that puts things into perspective like the LBSs get. They continue to externalize their stuff, which is what you are doing. You take your pain and assign its cause to your husband.
But, of course, this too is a matter of timing. Because at some point the LBS will catch up. At some point the LBS will be just as done with the WAS as vice versa. It is at this point, the WAS wake up and begin the real introspective work. If the LBS lets go soon enough, maybe the M is saved. Maybe. Otherwise, there is a point of too much water under the bridge. The LBS lets go after D, the WAS is already remarried. Blah blah blah.
My point is this: You are simply ahead of your H in timing. To have a good life for yourself and a successful R with ANYONE, you are BOTH going to have to change A LOT. You can do that now, later, or never.
But, if you honestly want to know whether or not your M is worth saving, YOU have to be a person capable of a decent R. Until you are, YOU cannot see if your M is worth saving. Running away will not change you. This is ALL ABOUT YOU.
Do you really want to be the person I described? Until you learn to deal with and own your own stuff, you'll not find the better life you quite reasonably want for yourself.
So, rather that going into reactive B mode anytime anyone suggests something that might involve treating H with some modicum of decency, why not think about that suggestion as a way to change yourself? As a way to learn how to be a better, happier person yourself?
You are in pain. You want to make sure that H pays for it and are willing to do anything that might give him the slightest relief. You defend blindly against treating H with humanity.
I don't believe you want to be that person, whether or not you reconcile, or you wouldn't be posting here. So why not start taking steps to be who you want to be?
