@JS Thanks.. We've shared soo many virtual drinks.. We should throw our own vietual party. ;)
@labug and 2 Thank you. I think good things are in store for many of us. This process rips out our hearts..
... But it will heal and one day be ready for love again.
@25 It's good to hear from you lady.. Even if it's at 3am. Has your h been deployed yet?
I appreciate you playing devils advocate. I enjoy my "cheerleaders" but it's healthy to have people pushing me to see past myself.
... So I'll take a shot at answering your questions. I've been thinking about them all day.
I AM pursuing self-serving goals.. I think since December I have turned the spotlight from w to me.
I AM being selfish
and I think to some degree I AM rationalizing my behavior......
...... Because it feels so unnatural to think of myself.
It feels wrong to not answer her.
It feels wrong to not try and change her negative feelings.
It feels wrong to think of myself first.
It feels wrong to do an action knowing that she will be "hurt" and "fearful".
It feels wrong to cut her out of my life.
It feels wrong because I care 1000 times more about her than myself. I always have. Me being selfless was a complaint of hers.
And I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying to stop having my w be my idol. I'm trying to stop being codependent on her. I'm trying to stop being afraid of her.
And yes.. I do believe that is loving to both of us.. Even if it feels wrong or seems selfish.
.. Because as long as I fear her, I cannot love her.
As long as I remain codependent on her, I cannot gain my own independence to make decisions on how to treat her regardless of her reaction.
As long as she is an idol in my life, I will have expectations she can't meet.. Therefore never accepting her in her current journey.
And the only way that I am getting better at stopping all of those things is by being dark. It is by taking her out of my life....
... Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I will have regrets.. But I don't really know how else to get better.
But that is the only rationalizing I am doing. I dont believe I twist decisions into seemingly loving actions.
This separation has been hard.. Emotionally and financially. If I was angry why only go for the health insurance? why not her 401k? Why not spousal support?
Because as much as this is difficult, I understand it is not her place to take care of me....
... It is mine.
Anyway I feel like I'm rambling... But does that make sense 25?
If not, feel free to keep asking.. I do like the growth and knowledge that stems from our dialogue.
Finally, I didn't understand your text response..
We're you joking or did you really think I should respond that way?
What would be the benefit of the latter?
Thanks again. Glad to see you back!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
