Purg, no music while walking today. Just chatting. It was nice!
H called today during work just to check-in (that's twice this week). I asked him about dinner. He said he'd call me once he got off the train. So he calls. He left his keys at work, so he couldn't drive. But of course he doesn't come right out and ask me to pick him up. He says, "I'm going back to the office, but it closes at 5:30 and I'm not sure who will be there to let me in." I say ok. He says, "But I don't have anyone's number to call to see if they are there." More of this back and forth for a couple more minutes. Finally I ask if he needs for me to come get him. He let out a breath and said yes. I said I would. (180 for me because I didn't make a joke or sarcastic comment about him leaving his keys.)
I go pick him up (once I'm finished what I was in the middle of at work). We go to pick up dinner and I have the cd he got me for V-day playing. I was singing alot and dancing all the way home. There's a song on there that talks about how stupid this man was to sleep with someone else and now his girl is gone. I had it on random but was hoping it would come on. It did just as we turned onto our street. H got so quiet you could hear him breathing. I just kept on singing. Came home and ate. H actually sat at the table with me.
I realized as I was driving to pick up H what I've been so anxious about today. I am feeling very uncomfortable not knowing what is going to happen with H and I. I used to have my life planned almost to the second, so this uncertainty is KILLING me.
I also keep thinking what is it about me that says it's okay to cheat on me? And then to have the audacity to continue your affair even after your busted? What could I have possibly done to my H, to deserve to be treated no better than a stranger on the street?
I've had alot of pain in my life caused by other people. Not playing the victim here, it's the simple truth. And just when I think I've found someone I can count on, this happens.
I know I'll recover from this. But I'm going to be honest here...I don't think I'll ever fully trust another human being in my life. It just ends up always hurting too much...
