Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[sayitaintso]

Just read your sitch PTC and I'm feeling for you. Your H seems like a real dic* (right now at least)

It is imperative that you continue to GAL and do your best to detach as it seems like he enjoys pushing your buttons. It took me a long time but now things my WAW does that would have drove me crazy a few months ago really don't affect me that much. And he will notice this change in dynamic.

I think your recent backslides may not be as bad as you think as you let your husband know that some of his actions will not be tolerated and their will be consequences. I know its extremely difficult but continue to set boundaries and enforce them at all times the best you can.

Best!

[Yasu]

I apologize for invading your thread, I was not well. I took the wrong medications by accident. As a result, my neediness really got out of control. Please forgive me.

I am just outraged by your husbands actions, especially in this post. It is almost child-like recalcitrance. To come into YOUR (yes, YOUR) private space, without your knowledge, and take that oil was not unlike a dog peeing in the corner of a room.

Actually I think the greatest offense, by far, is to his paramour, as he has brought used product into her boudreau and tail. Isn't that the most disgusting insult you could bring upon another woman (other than using her for sex in the capacity of a concubine)?

This is just my opinion. In Geogia, there is "equitable distribution" rather than 50/50. In the event you break up, you need professional documentation of what he is doing. Some people might say "better safe than sorry.". I certainly wish I had collected proper evidence.

Secondly, I believe you need to have a hearing regarding temporary support. This hearing would make clear who lives in what residence, and you could then change the locks, or get an alarm system. You have a right to funds to cover your legal expenses.

I urge you to be the first to file, this gives you a slight edge that your attorney can explain to you.

I am not telling you to get divorced. Your husband evidently has council, don't mess around and let him outsmart you by filing first.

Thirdly, NEVER SHOW YOUR BADGE. That is the moto of undercover cops. The same as "never show you cards" - with a little more impact. You are exactly right - sign nothing, do not ever discuss it. I have made the same mistake because I got so mad.

Fourthly, if. He is getting in the house, he may be getting into the computer. Even if you erase your history, etc., everything is still there. Even if you password and lock the computer, he can access a copy of your hard drive and find everything you ever typed. Also, recall any old computers that may be in the house. Do not leave the house without taking your computer with you.

Now I realize this is not exactly Divorce-Busting advice. However, I'm pretty sure you are not dealing with the typical MLC husband. Ad you said, he is narcissistic. His behavior suggests to me that he may have issues with women in general. If you go with the female attorney, that would agravate his narcissism for sure.

I think once you protect your assets, and have a temporary order sorted out (by a judge or dsomeone in authority (as that is what it will take for Mr. Pilot to step in line), then you can do the DB stuff.

Or, on the otherhand, your husband could very well just be acting out, as Narcissist do, and when you start being nice to Jim again, and adoring him again, he will come running home to his comfortable nest.

It all in what you are willing to tolerate. If you "shame" him for his little affair, the he will walk, if indeed he is a true blue Narcissist. You got to be a real trooper with this kind. Boy do I know it.

Hope this helped a little. Yas

[NLW]

Dear PTC,

I've just caught up on your sitch and can only say - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know just how you feel. My H, although not a pilot, is displaying similar arrogance and entitlement and is doing the same sorts of things as yours (see my recent updates if you have time).

I just got angry/outraged over a money/OW double-header and backslid as well...

All I have to offer is my support. I'm thinking of you and hoping that things get better.

[ptcr]

Well, Alanon did NOT go.

S16 found ride to hockey with teammate. Then teammate bailed. While i cooked dinner, I asked S16 to text his Dad (as counselor said, you don't get to move across town and check out...she knows pilot type so doing a DB plus therapy led counselor addendum). H said no, sorry can't to S16. H to me said he had too much wine already at 7 pm!!!!!! What???? But said he could maybe come at 9:30 for pickup. I ignored...then 2 minutes later, "so do I need to pick him up?" Obviously, pouring another glass. Poor sweet S16 says "yeah Dad is drunk" and I told him I didn't need to go to class and would take him to hockey. Poor, sweet boy. We need Alateen. Plannng Spring Break with him and Winter Break with UGA boy! Woohoo!!!!!

H says he needs to come by tomorrow to print stuff. After I asked him if he actually took massage oil, he sent me a huge text list of what he took from our home. I reminded him he was welcome to anything he needed but that I wanted to KNOW and NOT discover what he had taken....Again, DB with pilot-type narcissim direction.

[ptcr]

Thanks Yasu, took the computer with me and will continue to do that when I leave the house. Following L's advice and therapists....we will see where this goes. Going bravely ahead with GAL!!!!!

[mishka422]

Have you found another Alanon meeting you can get to? How about Alateen?

I know you probably already said but when was the last time your S16 saw his C?

[ptcr]

No Alanon or Teen yet. S16 saw counselor last week. Scheduled for next week. He tests for driver's license tomorrow! AHHH!!!!! That makes a mama nervous.

So, here is my update. Volunteering weekly at church on host team. This is great for me...had actually stopped going to church because H said he wasn't anymore. Did I mention that my father is a pastor? Been going to church our entire lives, loving it, ordained Deacon, family volunteers at church (S16 and S18 in youth band and doing production - H and I in nursery), in small groups always, and so he says this and I JUST STOP GOING???? Whoa....so codependent. LOL!

Went to Botanical Garden about being outdoor cooking assistant, which is AMAZING! I will go up there weekly. Apparently, unlike many docent positions or gift shop positions, this is a nice mix of male and female and the average age is 40s! Woohoo! So excited about that. Old Navy friends live right around the corner too.

Have started thinking about what I HAVE and that is amazing help.

Read in devotional yesterday that old friend from Virginia sent...a CRAZY appropriate God breeze of a devotional about "you are on the right path, it is lonely human-wise, etc" which is just CRAZY because literally the word I woke up with burning a hole in my brain was LONELY. So much non solicited advice about "file now" and "protect yourself" and I could scream. I am NOT going to give up TODAY. Tomorrow is another day but for NOW I WILL FIGHT for my marriage and PRAY for my husband. So, leaning on God and NOT worrying so much.

HAve completely STOPPED thinking about spying on him and wondering what he is doing and detaching....it is amazing HOW much better I feel.

Completely cleaned the house and moved my stuff into his closet and armoire.

Have been journalling the codependent no more book and realizing I DID lose myself! Wow...that is a shocker.

Would love to know what your sister did mishka about chef school. Looked into it a while ago but decided with the economy it would not be a steady plan. I am so excited about the visiting chefs at the Botanical Gardens. Food is my passion.

Planning a spring break trip to the beach with S16 and his friends. Planning spring break trip to Germany with S18.

So, here is the R update. H said he needed to use printer today at house for taxes, etc. Told him I would be in Atlanta all day so fine by me. He wanted to leave me a lock for the bedroom last time remember for my privacey...what do I have to hide? House clean, bathroom neat, etc, left doors wide open, NPR playing, lights on, nice and cozy house of mine. Did NOT install a lock. A 180??? Who knows but I did NOT try to run into him and I am recalling some comments about me being emotional coming up during counseling. So, emotional I was not. I was absent. I think this counts. You need space. I am giving you space.

He left long note basically apologizing for taking things "in haste" last week (massage oil included) and returned all items. Wow. For those of you who know "pilot" types, this is HUGE action.

Told me to take care and have a good weekend. This is a change...he hasn't said a thing about what I am doing for the entire month, shoot longer than that. Silence is my only weapon. I will continue. I understand the believe none/half theories, etc. So I am just happy to see some progress in limbo land. Progress is good, right?

Another 180...looking like I have my ACT together. House neat as a pin...bedroom a total wreck like a nut case lived here when I left over winter break and he came to stay with S16.

Responding to his emails/texts only and initiating NOTHING. And these are about kids and money only. Saying nothing about what I am doing, thinking, etc, after I let him know I saw "pilot killer" Fox. LOL!

On porch, cat and dog for company, S18 home this weekend from college, warm day, roses trimmed, bird feeders full, blue birds nesting, plans later with a friend and tomorrow as well, and at peace with the situation.

Looking for more 180, GAL ideas???? Anyone????

[25yearsmlc]

here are some things I did in Alaska to GAL and it was in the interior of Alaska, btw. And some of it was in the winter;...so if I can do it, YOU can.

auditioned for community theater and got cast, met cool new ppl

did stand up comedy, kept doing it and met new funny ppl

took a French Class and an Italian Cuisine class

took flying lessons/got pilot's license

went skydiving for birthday, then in the winter went "mushing" (dog sled)

learned to cross country ski and snowmachine and do serious fishing

went hunting

volunteered at a woman's shelter, got on board of directors (resume value)

took a pottery class

joined a writer's group and wrote, a lot. Got my work produced.

saw a therapist and took meds for awhile. They helped.

Worked out A LOT and used a tanning booth. Got in great shape.

Joined Officer's Wives club for the first time and thank God I did. Met new bff's.

edited a book

PTA stuff galore.

And other things I'm forgetting now...but you'll think of things you "always" wanted to do BUT...BUT...did not do...b/c you were revolving around your h or sons. You are free for now.

Do stuff for YOU now. It's your turn. Plus it makes you obsess LESS (=happier)

and bring more to the table as a woman.

Be a woman only a fool would leave. Who were you when you two met?


okay now---

Imagine your h died...and now imagine that enough time had passed for your grief...and you have moved forward and you are happy...

So, what would that life look like?

Envision it with details...what are you doing? Who are you hanging with? Living in same house? Pause & Think about this before going on...

New friends? New GAL activities?


okay now...what of those things can you create in your life, NOW?

[Rick1963]

25 every time you post about the GAL things in Alaska I think of Sarah.All good

[25yearsmlc]

when I lived there, she had 90% approval ratings and was sometimes accused of being too liberal...I swear. Boy times change when the media decides to hate you. Remember how she AND Obama AND Biden ALL took the exact same position on gay marriage but she gets bashed and they get credit for being tolerant...

I have some very close gays in my life and cannot get how that guy gets all this credit for doing pretty darn little.

ANYHOW

I hate admitting this but When I met her the first thing I thought, "Thank God she's attractive & from HERE!!"...

and "OMG she shaves her legs and has good teeth too, how cool/rare".


When we lived in Fairbanks, the ONLY time I saw men in suits (civilians, that is) was at a FORMAL wedding, where most of the men still had baseball caps on IN the church. A Few jackets, a few ties...NOT one woman in a dress other than me (outside the wedding party)

Alaskans are So under dressed there, it's like a statement of "in your face evil snobs from the lower 48" to make SOME point.

So yeah I was happy she was ours. Don't forget our former congressman was filmed in the House picking his nose, and then was seen on late night TV doing just that, for MONTHS...

Yikes, it's embarassing...