I've been asking myself some of the same questions. There have been times in our relationship where my W had difficulty with intimacy as well. I'm trying my best to educate myself and just ordered the book the wounded heart. I believe it's by dr adeller. It was recommended by TG I believe. I was hoping it may give me some insight. I wish I could understand more, but I'm not at that point yet. I can only offer that you are not alone and others are experiencing similar difficulties too. I'm not sure if that merits any relief, but I take comfort knowing that I may be able to seek advice on this site from people that have been here too. I've been db'n pretty consistently for the last 2 weeks or so and I have similar concerns of being to cold...but I believe that many of the good people on here provide that advice because it works. I have seen glimmers of hope and many of the db'n steps having positive results so far.