Thoughts about this letter from WAW?

[PrincessP]

MissingMyFamily,

I am in your shoes as a W who has been left two months ago. My H has said these things to me in two heated moments - the night he walked out and a week later. He said it a third time to my therapist who he knows. I heard the words that "this is done and it has been on his mind for a long time now." Looking back I am slowly but surely seeing the signals he dropped along the way, especially the PA he had with a colleague for many months. My H told me that "I make him feel bad about himself." He has depression; while he sees an individual therapist and takes antidepressants I can tell the illness (and depression is an illness) is not being managed better.

My H and I have been together for 19 years, only the last 9 married. We have a beautiful and intelligent (three weeks shy of)4 year old child. I know he loves me, I can see it even though he is being and acting far from loving right now.

I just read "Divorce Remedy" and came upon a friend from my past who essentially gave me the same advice. You have to patiently go through the process of reminding the WAS who they fell in love with. Somewhere along the way you lost it, and so did I. For me, it was the burden of taking care of literally everything from housework to managing the bills, being a career woman, and adding mom into the personal and professional resume of life. I took out my frustrations on my H because that's what humans do; we reach for and lash out at the person (or people) closest to us subconciously believing that they will take it. By no means I am willing to take full responsibility for the situation at hand but it won't get me anywhere right now to make him understand his contributions. Being the person who does the leaving makes them feel powerful. The fact your W is sending this weepy letter about how you are good and she has moved on, it says otherwise (in my opinion.) She is looking for justification for her actions and the power she feels by sending you these words quells her sadness. It is similar to when people drink to forget (or so they think.) The pain won't go away.

I started the 180; really just started less than a week ago. Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel like curcling up into a ball. I go on for myself, our child and for love of my H. He needs reminding that I am the woman who was the rock of his life.

[horsewnoname]

Hello MissingMyFamily...I know what you're going through...my W hasn't left me yet but I think she has been looking at apartments with her mom (who one year ago seperated from her second husband...so yes I agree with you misery loves company and doesn't mind making more misery as long as they are not alone). This is speculation though. After she dropped the first bomb in 6/11 I did a lot of changes she noticed, we went to counseling and we seemed to be doing much better by early 9/11. I would check casually, trying not to be pushy, if things were still ok about once a month up to the middle of 1/12. Shortly after she dropped the second bomb (so she was lying to me the entire time). This time she says she is so unhappy she wants a divorce. Since the second bomb I've done some 180s (I still need to experiment with many more), maintain consistency and GAL. Like you I'm dealing with some serious anger management issues...I can emapthize with her(about 2 years ago I really wanted to have a EA but didn't though I think I could have if I really pushed it but I didn't because I was afraid, she would find out, our I'd get an STD or get the OW pregant, and then I'd loose the W that I love). Eventually I accepted my situation (W being cold to me and W very low sex drive). I was happy with my family. I dearly loved my two Ds. And I thought sexual frustration was the price I could pay for a happy family.
As Michelle stated in her article called the marriage map(?), marriages go through phases. Unfortunately, since my W has experienced 1 D and one seperation within her immediate family. Why can't she do it (at least this is what I speculate is going through my W's mind)?
My parents very much love each other BUT there were times when I was sure they were going to divorce. They didn't...they weathered their storms why can't my W see that we can do the same? I get so angry with her sometimes, but she is not me, is not from a stable family, she thinks a passing feeling MUST be her new reality instead just an impulse, so I must continue with the DB/DR program and not let my anger ruin the progress I've made with her (at least I think it is progess). Stay strong man please don't let your anger ruin any chance you may have in getting her back!