i just do not want them to do something they may regret in the future or even worse not to have a relationship with their dad.
You're job is not to damage their relationship with their dad. Nothing else. This is something I have struggled with for the last few years. I get it. What I did was make it clear to my D's they could always call him and if they want to see him, that's fine with me. I want the details so I can have a clue as to what ditch to look in should the need arise to go looking, but other than that, it's between them and their Dad.
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it seems he cares about us, but then i feel he only calls/texts because he wants to know what is going on, but i am not allowed to know or ask how things are with him - just does not seem fair.
I think it's their way of staying connected, but what they may not see, is that in general, you "share" your life with people it's a way of connecting. When they don't sahre, it's the elephant in the room. It isn't fair. nothing about this is. What I learned to do was talk about D's and some of the things in my life. Your H is actually engaged at least with some of the kids. I know it isn't what you want. Is it something you can work with? That's up to you.
We all know the "I need to go be happy". I think part of them truly wants to be "friends". We've been part of their lives for so long and are the Mother's and Father's to their children. I think they are trying to reconcile what they want with what they've done and need to keep it friendly so they don't feel so bad. Yes, I do believe they feel guilty ane hurt behind the damage, BUT, they need to go be happy. Are they? Arguably.
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don't know if i mentioned this or not, but he took nothing from the house just a few clothing items but left everything does that mean anything?
My H did the same. In my case did it mean anything? I don't think so, I think it was avoidance. My H is not yours though.
If you have the resources to use a DB coach, I would absoultely do it.
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how can i employ any db techniques if he has no contact and does not live with me?
You emply them by working on you. That's really what they are about. Then when you do see him or have contact, you aren't a wounded animal. And you will see him and have some kind of contact, if for no other reason than the kids. Does this mean you jump every time? No. It means that right now your focus needs to be you and the kids.
A lot easier said than done. Takes lots of practice.
Since he's living with the A, you need to establish what boundaries you need for yourself too.
