Things have been kinda rocky for the last couple of days. While nothing "bad" has happened, it seems like being back at square one. She talks about how stressed out she is, and I can only think of one reason why she'd be stressed out. On Tuesday she apologized in advance, telling me she was hormonal and not to take anything she said or did personally. It was easy enough to let it go at that, but then on Wednesday, more of the same, but no apologies, just more distance.
My GAL efforts have completely fallen apart with everything that's been going on - too broke to pay for my tai chi, so I don't even have that getting me out of the house every few days. I feel like a single parent, caring for and spending some great time with my son... just with an audience. I've been trying to give her her space, but she is pretty close by at all times due to the size of the house. I'll stop in the door of the office and speak to her for a moment, then move on. It's so hard not to, especially when I just want to give her a hug and tell her everything's gonna be alright. Maybe it's just me looking for that.
I'm still sober, and have been spending more time comparing my mental processes as they are now with what they were at pretty much any point while I was drinking. While I never got arrested for anything, I'm starting to see just how serious of a problem my nightly drinking was. I still haven't made the apology that the pastor asked me to make... I was going to do it this past Saturday, after we'd gone to church and while we were at dinner. That got scuttled at the last moment due to our son being sick, but I couldn't find a way to bring it up otherwise that evening. I wanted to make sure we were face-to-face when I did it. Sitting at home doesn't provide this opportunity, and I don't want my sincerity to be mistaken. I tried a couple of more times to get her to go to dinner over the last few days, both times fell through. We're going to try again this Saturday, hopefully it sticks this time. If not, I'll have to bite the bullet. This is a step in the healing process that has to happen. It's given me more time to think, but I wonder if the additional time is making her more upset at me.
We still haven't scheduled an appt with the MC the pastor referred us to - when I bring it up, W seems unsure if that's what she wants to do. She seemed real into it for a few days after our meeting with the pastor.
I really need to work on detaching some more. I've read a bunch of times that there are good days and bad, and I accept that. I just thought that there would be good mixed with bad, not a string of one then a string of the other. I THOUGHT I was doing pretty well, but I see now that it was because things were going well between us. I was somewhat encourage to feel this way by the pastor, he wanted me to focus on serving her... something I think I've done fairly well up to this point, given the sitch. She was responding pretty well, but I think I may be overdoing it a bit. So hard to tell.
I was late getting up this morning and even later leaving for work. I heard W come downstairs and stuck my head out of the kitchen. She came around the corner and was startled pretty good to see me. She yelled at me a bit then walked off. I hurried to gather my things and leave. She apologized as I was leaving, I told her I was sorry for scaring her. I left the house feeling pretty awful, between the insufficient sleep and the way she's acted towards me. I know I shouldn't let her mood affect mine, but it's getting really hard. I've got nowhere to go and no friends to hang out with. On top of that, I'm broke. I just don't know what to do.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
