A, are you applying the "pursuer cutting off pursuit" advice from the Solo Partner? I thought you believed that would cause her to run.
The ultimatum will cause her to run. If I go cold turkey on cutting off pursuit she will panic. I also don't think it's called for because things aren't that bad. She's not being mean to me, she's not acting badly, etc. etc. Going dark would be overkill right now. I would describe it as throttling back pursuit. If I used to do 10 things, two weeks ago I went down to 8, then 6, now 4, etc.
Historically when I would do that she would pursue a little, then start to panic and have a breakdown which would trigger my pursuing behaviors to start again thus the dance. This time I'm trying to walk the line between cutting back enough to allow her to pursue, but not so much that I push it into panic. It's a tightrope.
She starts asking me what's wrong and I have to keep repeating nothing is wrong and do it in a way that she'll believe and stop asking.
If she thinks something is wrong and I'm not discussing it she starts to get depressed and withdraws. If I over pursue she withdraws, so I have withdrawal on both sides. I've been able to get the "sweet spot" in the past, but I haven't been able to maintain it -- it's either on the way up to overpursuing, or on the way down to depression.
If I can figure it out I'll be in good shape once I can internalize it and do it without massive effort.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
