Has your H ever told you that he resents you for letting him do something that he's offered to do?
Was this supposed to be resents me for NOT letting him?
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It also appears that you and your H may have different viewpoints on how to raise your S. This is normal. Why is that a problem?
We do pretty well, actually. Probably the one area in life we don't argue about. We will occasionally have a discussion, but it's the only time I feel like we're on the same team and no one is attacking or defensive. The only time issues come up is when H fails on what he committed to do (eg. misses a boy scout meeting)
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he also goes on to ask for your help... asking you to support him... engaging you in a way that connects the two of you... he just doesn't happen to be asking you in a way that you are receptive to... and then you go into resistance as though it's inconvenient for you...
What did he ask my help with? What support? He only asked me to call him when Paul came, which I agreed to and then did this a.m. when he showed. I don't see the pattern. Sorry, I'm not following.
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You had actually not talked to Paul, but just assumed he was coming in the morning based on the conversation you did have. That would have been one thing to clear up right away. "H, I haven't spoken to Paul again. I assume he's coming this morning. I know you said you wanted to be here, but I don't know what time he's coming. I can give you his number if you want to call him."
In my first convo with H, I did tell him that Paul would optionally come Wed morning. I didn't talk to him again to change anything. To your response, this still sounds defensive to me. It sounds like the same thing I said only using more words.
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The "assume the best intentions" strategy would suggest you should be grateful for the offer and accept it as such versus reading in sinister motives.
Even if I look at his motives as being completely well-intentioned, his presentation just exhausts me. Even if he's just thinking outloud, the effort it seems it will take for him to do it just makes me want to say no (that's not even considering whether he'll be successful at doing it.) It's like me offering to buy you a cup of coffee, then explaining that I'll have to forgo my OWN cup of coffee, and go out and dig through the car to come up with the change, probably be late for work and have to skip lunch because of it, and ... or you could just pay 99cents yourself. Wouldn't you just say, "No, thanks, really!"? Do you remember the character Cliff Claven on Cheers? He was just annoying in that sort of way, regardless of his "intentions."
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If you did let H take S to school and told him you appreciate it, that would be a deposit in his love tank. He would feel like a good provider, he would feel like a good husband. He would feel like a partner in S's care. That good feeling might foster a positive cycle to start spinning where he would do something else nice in anticipation of a positive or supportive response. It's when a negative response comes when a positive one was expected that you're going to see him start keeping score and expecting reciprocity.
This is VERY interesting to me. I will chew on this. My reaction to this is, fine, so I give him a positive response, but then he'll keep doing it "because it worked," when it's not what I want him to do in the first place. I don't want to encourage something that I don't want by responding positively.
Funny story, I learned this years ago with our previous dog. She wasn't a barker. But after much trial and error, we taught her how to "speak" for a treat! We were so proud! Until she started speaking for treats when SHE wanted to, rather than when she was prompted. Needless to say, our current dog does NOT know the speak command.
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WRT putting H in the same situation my W put me in, I don't suggest it. All W had to do was tell me that she wasn't happy in the marriage and I would have taken action.
I was just responding to the instruction in the book regarding a distancer needing to be cut off. I don't think it's the same for your sitch.
