Pulp, I do not wish to distract from your conversation with Grit.
Originally Posted By: Pulp
I would like to make boundaries. I have no way of backing them up. "If you do _______ , I will...I will..." I will what. I need help in this area. Any examples of healthy boundary setting?
Someone pointed me to an article about boundaries on the Livestrong site. I found it and another article about detachment useful.
FWIW, A boundary I set was “When I believe I have been communicated to with the respect and common courtesy I show the person bagging groceries I will respond to you.”
Easy for me to do as our children are grown.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It is NOT your fault or responsibility that your W brought you to a town away from the rest of your family causing you to give up your job and then start a relationship with another man.
When you are right, you are right.
I thank you for your time and interest in my sitch. I am at a much better place b/c of you, T^2, MrBond, and all the others here. I am not at the pinacle of enlightenment, but learning.
Truth is... if I pack up and leave today, it would be out of anger, spite, and rage.
I am detaching from those emotions.
After reading so many other stories I feel confident I will be back here venting soon enough, but today I feel good.
This is a process. Anger is one of the stages you go through. It has been compared to the stages of accepting death. And I found that to be true.
There was a study I heard about that ranked the LBS tragedy more tragic than losing both your parents in a car crash.
I can see that too. Especially for the spouse who cares the most. The one giving in the relationship which I think generally are people that make their way here.
They desire to save the M.
But one of the first stages is denial.
And you can get stuck there and when you do destructive things can happen.
Search on here for the stages of the LBS.
Anger? Is good. If you don't have you are not moving forward
Remember to be concious to use it as a shield not as a sword.
That is protect yourself with it. Don't react because of it.
I promise you if you keep working and moving forward with your values as your compass
You won't be heading to Bitterville.
Keep stepping forward
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Truth is... if I pack up and leave today, it would be out of anger, spite, and rage.
I know you have not made a decision yet, but I am worried that waiting too long is going to really limit your options. Please do some research in both your new location and back home about how a divorce would look in each locality. A lot of this is free online, and you can try to get a free phone consultation with an experienced father's rights attorney where you can get a better overview. As I mentioned, you probably have the option to move back home so right now you can choose where you want to be. If your wife files, or you wait too long and lose residency back home then you will need to accept that you will never be able to move back home unless your wife/ex-wife agrees to move with you.
Another thing to consider; your wife started a new job and pretty much immediately started an affair with a married coworker using company time and travel. When, not if, this comes to the attention of the OMW and their employer, her entire situation is certain to blow up. There is probably a 95% chance the OM will throw your wife under the bus and run back to his family and your wife will either be outright fired or "transitioned" out of a job.
Right now she has money, constant travel and a "Mr. Wonderful" to distract her. With her travel, she cant get primary custody. With her own money, she doesn't need yours. With "Mr. Wonderful", she has no emotional attachment to you and really just wants you gone. If you separate or divorce under these circumstances you will have a massive advantage. You can get primary custody, and either qualify for support or, betting that she will get fired soon, write into the agreement that both parties waive rights for spousal or child support forever. If she loses her job and affair, she will set her sights on you, she will become far more possessive of your home, resources and son, and as an unemployed stay at home mom, she will have a huge advantage for custody and support in a divorce.
Journaling. I've had a calm about me for a couple days. It has been nice.
I/we seem to be at that better place we were before the password / W getting her own apt incident. She hasn't given me the silent treatment, per her usual m.o. Perhaps my actions have given her a new reaction.
We have had good interactions. She has been gone a couple days with work. When she calls, she talks to me longer and longer. She even said "thanks for listening" after she went off about her terrible day. That was nice.
I am aware that everything is not fine. But I am getting better about being fine despite everything.
I am relaxing a little during the calm part of the ride.
Had some discipline issues with S. Something she started then walked away from.
I picked up where she left off. It got resolved. Not quickly. He tried my patience. He is strong willed. But he cooled off and said sorry. Then we finished getting ready and went to daycare.
I thought she might just need some cool off time. After she walked away she dried her hair, put on make-up, and then worked on her computer till I left to take him to daycare. She never talked to us or even looked at us for that matter.
Nothing said or done hateful between us recently that I am aware of.
When I got back she was gone.
Kinda strange as we have always taken on these issues as a team. No biggie just out of character for her.
Maybe she just woke up on the wrong side of the couch. lol.
Here is something I have been thinking on a while.
In a month or so is W b-day. A few days before that is the one year mark on MIL passing away.
I have known ever since then that her b-days will be emotional times for her. Especialy this one.
With our current sitch... not sure how to approach it.
Had planned on getting her and bff a spa treatment for the day.
Now we haved moved and bff is far away and I just don't see that being fun by yourself. I could be wrong.
Any suggestions? Literature on the issue? Someone who has kinda been here before? A womans touch? Do something? Do nothing?
I feel like I really need help with this one. It is important to me to be "there" for her. She has said I wasn't "there" at the time. (Wanted to so badly, just didn't know how.)
