Found out during engagment that her brother attempted sibling incest when she was in middle school. She felt that this detered her sex drive (and I'm guessing this really warped her perception about sex and intimacy...please chime in on this any pysch majors).
I hate to be the one to tell you this but this is a horse of different color.
Sorry.
I only know from my own experience. My W was the victim of sibling perpetrated sexual abuse.
I am going to say something that may be hard for you to hear or believe BUT that you need to consider:
Children are not born with this.
It is put upon them by sexual predators. Her brother learned it from someone else. Who?
Who knows. Might be someone in her family.Might not be.
She is not going to be open with you about the extent of what happened or the details because there is a great deal of shame. They feel somehow responsible for the crime.
I encourage you to read up on this topic because it will help you to understand what is happening to your W and help you to detach from this.
Next big thing you need to understand and this a biggie:
YOU DIDN'T BREAK HER AND YOU CAN'T FIX HER.
The mechanism they used to cope with the brutal reality of what was happening to them was actually healthy as child to cope with it. It doesn't work as an adult.
The severity of how this manifests in adult life can vary and is a function of the severity of the abuse and the abuser.
You will find some commonality with victims. Low self esteem. Victim stance. disassociation <---- look that up. Coping with drugs and/or alcohol is common.
This experience that they carry around never goes away it is always waiting there. It can only get better if they decide to deal with the demon.
SHE has to decide to do that Horse.
I am not an expert or a medical professional so what I tell you is what I learned through my own experience.
The best advice I can give you is to detach. The used to be a link on here to a website on detachment on the livestrong website. I am not sure we are allowed to post it here.
DB Mod?
But it is very helpful and check the resource threads at the top of this forum.
My thread is in MLC forum called "The salvation within" you can see what I went through when I got here 2 years ago by linking back to earlier threads my first thread was "W has PTSD" or something like that. Search PTSD you'll find it.
You have to be strong for your children and your W. What she is going through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Keep posting Horse.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
