MC says to call it quits

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What you were thinking was "what have I done wrong and what can I do to fix it?" because you were caught unaware and essentially blindsided.

And you were certain that if you just did that, your wife would once again love you as much as you love(d) her. While you might have surmised that there would be some difficulty in trust (as in your trusting her and her trusting you not to "se" this against her), you were confident, even if in shock, in your own ability to "make this right."

So right Captain. I have also gained this hindsight. I see that now. I viewed the situation as my failing and therefore wanted to address it.

And what is happening is that you are questioning your resolve and your ability to actually do this as things don't progress and as you see your wife really unwilling to commit to your marriage and making it healthy and vibrant again.

I'm coming to see it as unable versus unwilling. The "unwilling" is something I could not accept, could not live with. "Unable" is something I can deal with.

This ski vacation was "for you" and what is upsetting is that there is no reciprocity for your efforts between Christmas and New Years.

Kind of, I went into it with the assumption that it was "for us", so when I saw that she wasn't going to make an effort to enjoy it, it bothered me. I was looking forward to a family vacation, with the emphasis on family. If I just wanted a good ski trip "for me", I'd go with my guy friends.

I didn't go into it expecting reciprocity, because I didn't go into it thinking that she was coming reluctantly. She suggested going skiing over school vacation week, so I assumed she was "on board", and I made expensive lodging accommodations because I knew she would value it. Then, on vacation she seemed overly critical, moody, and when we went out to dinner with other families she let out a torrent of complaints. Reflecting back on our prior vacation was something I did after the fact, I didn't go in expecting "I did that for you, now you do this for me."

I still contend she isn't ML to or with you...she is doing sex to you to meet some illusion of relationship and marriage (which is the most obvious outward sign that she can provide).

Yes, this continues to wear on me. Once again, it's not always bad. Sometimes it's quite good. If it were always bad it would make things easier. It's "just good enough" to keep me invested. When we were on vacation, I could have been having sex with a prostitute, that's the attitude I was getting. If that were the norm I would not accept that -- it's not.

Is there something that actually is a game changer given everything that has occurred since last summer? Well, whatever it is, one or both of you are going to have to give up your boredom.

I don't get it. What would have been a game changer? Are you talking about during the vacation, or since last summer?

What do you mean that one or both of us has to give up our boredom? What boredom?

At some point you may, indeed, need to say to her that she was correct and you were not when the affair was revealed...that she needs to leave and (possibly) file for divorce. You may be tempted to say something like so she "can find someone just as sexless" as she is," but I wouldn't recommend it.

I wouldn't say that. I don't view it as a willful act of malice on her part. I see it as an inability that she doesn't feel she has the strength to work on. I have hinted at this a few times. I told her that if she feels she needs to leave again I will let her go, and not to stay out of any sense of obligation. If she doesn't *want* to stay, she should leave and I will not follow.

But it isn't the ultimatum of sex or divorce...choose. It is a recognition that she is unhappy and wishes to make you equally unhappy and that she needs to take that someplace else.

It's a bit different in that she does want me to be happy, but she wants what she currently offers to be good enough. If I expressed no dissatisfaction with her ever again she would be overjoyed.

The ultimatum is also not "sex or divorce" because I currently have sex. As we've discussed, I don't want sex, I want "quality ML", so the ultimatum would be "quality ML or divorce" which I would imagine would be a scary ultimatum because how do you measure "quality ML"?

I know that a divorce is not something that you'd automatically choose, nor am I saying that is what you ought to dangle out there as the likely outcome. But a serious question is whether she really wants to remain married to you. We don't ask because we are afraid the answer might be "no." when we've always thought it should be "yes." But you are now in the position of "pushing a rope" which tends not to be very productive.

The interesting thing about that question is that you'll only truly be confident in the answer if it's "no" right? Otherwise they could just be saying "yes" because they're not ready to be pushed out of the nest.

I'm convinced that at this point she does want to stay married to me.

She wants to stay married to me on her terms -- which is to say that she's "good enough" as is, that no changes are expected, and that I treat whatever she does for me as a gift. That I am 100% responsible for my own happiness and satisfaction, and if she contributes anything to that it's treated as a bonus. <-- That philosophy is espoused by many relationship books. Here's how I've come to view that:

1) My MC said it's pure fiction -- that the institution of marriage implies that you are to some degree responsible for your spouse's happiness. He said that to try to be happy in a marriage (or any relationship) where the other party is not doing their part is impossible. I do believe this.

2) Although it's very hard for our spouses to consistently "make us happy", it's easy for our spouses to "make us unhappy". They know exactly where to go, what to do, and what buttons to push. If our spouse is not responsible for our happiness, I do believe they owe us a responsibility not to push our unhappiness buttons when we are happy.

Think of it like an eroding land bank near the sea. "Providing happiness" would be like building a sea wall in front of it to prevent further erosion. That implies concerted effort.

"Not detracting from happiness" would be not pulling out the grass and pulling rocks out of the bank which will hasten the erosion process.

Obviously it would be nice if our spouse would work on the sea wall, but the level of "obligation" there is subject to discussion.

I feel they are obliged not to make the situation worse by pulling out the grass and yanking out the rocks.

If your spouse is depressed, an alcoholic, etc., and their behaviors detract from your happiness, then they are pulling out the rocks and grass. If they deal with their issues they are preventing further erosion, versus creating your happiness.

Make sense?

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