KD, I'm going to think about a time, but if we haven't even gotten out of this continuous conflict stage, the time goal is sort of pointless. Probably a month after the conflict starts showing noticeable improvement. I've checked the dates for the EE conference - the next is Apr 26. I've checked the calendar and I think I'm going to do it. It will be a nice vacation if nothing else. I wish it was at a beach.
So I've read the chapters on fight triggers and defensiveness. Again, the author could have inserted our names into almost all of the scenarios. It's so humbling. It's all so embarrassingly obvious when someone spells it all out like that. Even moreso when we keep doing it even after we know what we're doing.
So, we had a defensive exchange this morning (H attacking, me defending.) I didn't realize it until afterward, when I thought about it. I was still in bed, so maybe I just wasn't awake enough. Even thinking about it, though, I'm not sure how it could have been handled any better. Here's the convo:
(H comes to my BR, I'm still in bed....) H: If I get S to hustle, I can drop him off at school this morning (it's usually something I do.) W: That's alright, I need to get up anyway. Paul is coming this morning to look at the furnace. H: You were going to tell me when he was coming W: I did tell you. I told you yesterday that if he couldn't make it then, he would be coming today. H: Well you didn't give me a specific time W: I don't have a specific time H: Well I have a meeting at 8:00 so I don't know if I can be here. I can still drop off S if I hurry. W: Get to your meeting, it's no big deal, I'll drop him off.
How could this have been handled differently? I have a hard time distinguishing the difference between defensiveness and just sharing information. At least I didn't attack back, even though it was just below the surface, like if he was so concerned about what went on with the furnace, then perhaps he could have taken responsibility for it himself, etc. etc. I mean the thing is broken. It's not like I'm wanting to redecorate it.
Anyway, I definitely felt attacked. I believe I went defensive. What could I have done differently?
