When it's a one-way street...part 3

[Accuray]

Is it possible that she's still thinking that you "owe" her? That your reconciliation wasn't really a clean slate but time for you to pay her back?

I really don't think so. I think at this point she feels more guilty than slighted if that makes sense.

I'm not suggesting that she's planning on always being that way, but maybe she's just still dealing with her stuff.

I wish that were the case, MC and W both say that she's accepted her stuff and isn't going to deal with it. I don't think she's capable of more intimacy given all her stuff. I thought she was because I saw more intimacy in her affair, but MC says she did that because she knew she wouldn't have to maintain it.

BTW, were you always the pursuer or are you just being that now? That's sort of described in the book, that the pursuer becomes the distancer when they leave or D, and then the roles reverse but just temporarily. If she was the original pursuer, it actually sounds like she's doing exactly what she's supposed to be. See if that rings true with you when you get to the chapter.

As with many relationship books, it's not that simple. When we were dating, I was clearly the pursuer. At some point in our marriage, I became the emotional distancer, but the dynamic is better described as the pursuer who has given up versus the distancer who is uncomfortable with intimacy.

This is touched on in SSM where the "rejected" sexual pursuer withdraws emotionally. I was 100% convinced that W didn't love me, had never loved me, and was either completely non-sexual or possibly gay. That's how I felt when things were at their worst and I was in distancing mode. I was not distancing because I felt pursued and didn't want the intimacy. It was more like I wanted the intimacy, knew I couldn't have it, and didn't want to get sucked into continued frustration so gave up. From my perspective, that's a different kind of distancing because I wasn't interested in "the dance", I didn't want to be pursued.

The scary thing is that I feel I'm headed back there, I'm on the road to give up again.

In my mind, I feel like I need to go down a path to create a sitch for H like you have with your W.

This was interesting -- what does this mean? What sitch have I created for my W from your perspective?

Accuray