I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[Grocerykartman]

I now realise that I haven't been meeting my wife's needs emotionally and physically. I have been so focused on getting a good degree so I can become a teacher, whenever I wasn't studying I was thinking about it and have become distant. This affected everything, being intimate, having meaningful conversations, spending quality time together.

Have you noticed some of the things she has said over the past years or months that would have led up to this? Did she give you any warnings that she was unhappy?

My wife has been going out a lot lately partying & not coming home until 5am & this Saturday it was 8am. I know that this is because I haven't been meeting her needs & I'm not suspicious of her cheating on me (I still trust my wife)but I worry about her sick when she's out & stay up until she's home.

Do not fall into the trap of beleiving that her doing this is justified or mildly justified just because you have not or supposedly have not been meeting her needs. Certainly it may be a result of it. And you can't stop her. But do not for a moment think "well, I had this coming."

You may have had your head in a different place than the relationship for a few years here with your studies but you DID NOT have it figuratively up where the sun don't shine. You were trying to do what you thought was best for yourself and your family, which is quite honorable. Unfortunately, you are finding that sometimes relationships start to wilt even when you think you are doing the right thing. I will actually ask you a repeat question, kind of like the first questons I had: Did your W say anything about you being distant? Complaints?

A fortnight ago we were out dancing for a presentation night & my wife wanted to go out to town after it. i didn't and said that I didn't want to go (selfishly because I didn't want to get in @ 5am and see her waste another Sunday in bed hungover).

I can't tell if you are being facetious here or not, but if not, why do you feel that was selfish?

So I spent a night on my sister's couch & sneaked back in to get the kids ready for school. My W then said that you can't afford rent for your sister & that I would be better off sleeping on the couch, which is where I've been the past 2 nights. I feel really pathetic, because she's right I can't afford to move out,

There's a lot of different posters on this board and you will hear a lot of different takes on things, but what seems to be one of the few constants is that YOU should not be moving anyplace. If she is that unhappy, she can move. I would flat out tell her something like: "Ok, I went to my sister's one night and have been sleeping on the couch for awhile, but I'm not going to do that anymore. This is my bed and my bedroom as much as it is yours, I'm not sleeping anywhere else." You can't afford to move out, so don't. Don't feel pathetic about it...most people can't afford it.

i feel so guilty, because if she felt like how I'm feeling now and has gotten over it, why should she give me another chance?

Personally, I don't see any reason to feel guilty. You are 33, not 83. You weren't emotionally absent for a whole lifetime. Sometimes in life one has to take a short term loss for a long term gain. That doesn't at all mean you couldn't have balanced your time and engagement to the details of your family better, I'm sure you could have done a lot better in retrospect. But guilt is useless right now, because you're looking in the rear view mirror. Make up for lost time with your kids immediately-it's not too late with them. Please do not beat yourself up.

You ask why would she give you another chance? I think you need to be careful that you are not mind reading here or putting thoughts in her head that may not be there. You don't know how she might ultimately react if you are able to truly follow the DB principles and the 37 rules. If you have not seen the 37 rules, do a search on this site and follow them religiously. You don't know that she wouldn't, or even felt the same as you do now, so I wouldn't let that thought dominate your thoughts.

Tonight she went to bed straight after the kids did, and as soon as it was safe to do so, I cried my eyes out. I can't go on like this, the only thing keeping me going is the unconditional love of my 2 beautiful children and the hope that my beautiful wife, gives me another chance.

2 things: I think you needed to get a good cry out and I am glad you realize it is only ok to do so when it "is safe". At the risk of sounding like you should always have to be macho, crying around her really would be bad. Looks unattractive and weak.

Also, consider this: You hope she will give you another chance. What if she doesn't? Let's pretend it all ended tomorrow. Would you live your days in despair, or would you pick up the pieces and be strong? Would you live your life for YOU and your kids, and be the man and dad you want to be from thereon? I hope you would.

Now, stop pretending as mentioned above. Look at the situation on hand. You are living your days in a state of despair right now. Instead of that, you need to pick up the shattered feelings you have right now and do something about them, for YOU. Be the man YOU want to be, not the man who stays hung up on feeling guilty.

You can turn the page. Not to get your wife to stop anything or to give you another chance. But to improve yourself and to get out of this despair. The hope is that your wife would utlimately notice this, and realize she is making a wrong choice, for HER. But you'd want to do this anyway for YOU, regardless of what she chooses to do.

Right now is a very hard time Bill. Feels like all the wheels are coming off. But you will make it through this.

I wish you well.