I was thinking today about how badly I wanted this woman back when she cheated on me and asked for divorce. Based on how I'm feeling now, if she did it again I'd tell her to go and wish her luck. What was I thinking?
What you were thinking was "what have I done wrong and what can I do to fix it?" because you were caught unaware and essentially blindsided.
And you were certain that if you just did that, your wife would once again love you as much as you love(d) her. While you might have surmised that there would be some difficulty in trust (as in your trusting her and her trusting you not to "se" this against her), you were confident, even if in shock, in your own ability to "make this right."
That's what you were thinking. I know I've been there before.
And what is happening is that you are questioning your resolve and your ability to actually do this as things don't progress and as you see your wife really unwilling to commit to your marriage and making it healthy and vibrant again.
This ski vacation was "for you" and what is upsetting is that there is no reciprocity for your efforts between Christmas and New Years. I still contend she isn't ML to or with you...she is doing sex to you to meet some illusion of relationship and marriage (which is the most obvious outward sign that she can provide).
Is there something that actually is a game changer given everything that has occurred since last summer? Well, whatever it is, oneor both of you are going to have to give up your boredom.
At some point you may, indeed, need to say to her that she was correct and you were not when the affair was revealed...that she needs to leave and (possibly) file for divorce. You may be tempted to say something like so she "can find someone just as sexless" as she is," but I wonuldn't recommend it. But it isn't the ultimatum of sex or divorce...choose. It is a recognition that she is unhappy and wishes to make you equally unhappy and that she needs to take that someplace else.
I know that a divorce is not something that you'd automatically choose, nor sm I saying that is what you ought to dangle out there as the likely outcome. But a serious question is whether she really wants to remain married to you. We don't ask because we a re afraid the answer might be "no." when we've always thought it should be "yes." But you are now in the position of "pushing a rope" which tends not to be very productive.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
