New trying to DB-Help!

[jlove]

I'm quickly falling out of love with her and loving only an idea of her and doing this only for my kids sake at this point.

So your choice to love her is dependent on how much she conforms to how you think she should treat you? How she acts? What she does or chooses right now?

Wow is that what you said to her when you married her?

"I will love you all the days of my life except when you don't do what I want."

Is that how you want to be loved?

Not going to do this much longer. I know I'm not supposed to give ultimatums, BUT I do need to protect myself and my kids.

ANd how is giving an ultimatum protecting you? Seems to me it is a thinly diguised way to force your agenda on your time frame which is fine if your goal is to show her you are still THAT guy and you want to get Divorced.

If you don't then do better.

Boundaries are for your protection not to punish her or coerce her.

They should be communicated and have consequences when they are crossed.

I understand that you don't like her choice to go to bars. The destructive bad behavior here may be that she drives home drunk putting herself and others in danger.

It could be that when she interacts with your kids she is being destructive and setting a bad example.

A boundary may be that she agrees not to do this. If she does then you owe it to yourself and your children to remove yourself and your children from that situation of destruction.

BUT

There is fine line between protecting yourself and demanding your own agenda.

The above example is pretty clear.

Now I feel bad about my actions in one part, but respect myself for standing up for myself and feel good about being able to let her go.

You are not letting her go you are reacting to her behavior which means you are not detached.

Look man this is all up to you. No one says you have to put up with this crap.

Why would you want to?

Why are you here?

If I told you that if you did X Y and Z and you could save your M would you do it?

The character and courage part comes when you don't know the outcome.

When you are not guaranteed anything.

Not only that your W is behaving badly right now and asking you to swallow it.

Is the fact she is doing that driving your decision?

If you're going to walk away do it your own terms J.

You will set a good example for your kids and most of all you will be an example for yourself.

It is your choice to be a victim here or to walk your own path regardless of her choices.

I knew you'd hit me in the head with a 2x4 soon TG.

No, my vow was for better or worse. Now is the worse. I wouldn't want to be loved only when I was happy.

I don't really want a divorce, I shouldn't give her timelines and ultimatums. I want to turn this ship around and get the satisfaction that I didn't quit in the face of adversity, when all the cards were down. The ship is me, and she can sail on it if she wants. I am here to vent and to gain perspective from others, such as yourself.

I pray for strength to me the man I need to be. If I walk, it'll be on my terms. There are no guarantees of anything except I have to live with myself and my decisions. Of course, my kids will have to live with them too. I am doing this for them and the hope that they will learn a life lesson someday from this pain.