For instance, yesterday she complained that I didn't reach out to her at all during the day. She seems to keep score on that. At the same time, she did nothing to reach out to me.
Is it possible that she's still thinking that you "owe" her? That your reconciliation wasn't really a clean slate but time for you to pay her back? I'm not suggesting that she's planning on always being that way, but maybe she's just still dealing with her stuff. BTW, were you always the pursuer or are you just being that now? That's sort of described in the book, that the pursuer becomes the distancer when they leave or D, and then the roles reverse but just temporarily. If she was the original pursuer, it actually sounds like she's doing exactly what she's supposed to be. See if that rings true with you when you get to the chapter.
I can look back to the very beginning of our marriage and see the very self-centered behaviors in my H even then, a the lack of reciprocity for years. Oldtimer was telling me to give up on the tit-for-tat, but honestly, that's what got me here in the first place. I should have insisted upon it from the very beginning. Instead, I did the pursuer dance until I was just totally burned out. I taught him how to treat me, I know, in that regard anyway. Probably the others ways too.
Some of what the book describes for the changes in the pursuer will be easy, but others will be very hard for me in my sitch, because I'm trying to keep things as stress-free as possible for S. Plus, it's the exact opposite of what I would want to teach S to expect from his future W. How do I manage a family vacation for S? He clearly wants us both with him. I said I understand why W's divorce their H's (or at least why pursuers D their distancers.) Then at least their actions match their sitch. Here's the list I pulled from the chapter: - Do not initiate conversation - Do not give advice, even if asked - Do not seek emotional support - Abstain from trying to improve your partner in any way - Do not look to him as someone to talk to - Don't baby him - Do not do anything for him (cook, laundry, etc.) - Do not intervene with family/friends - Do not initiate expressions of affection (don't hug or kiss or say "I love you." - Do not have sex if you don't want to - Do not do things with him - Do not plan around his schedule - Be away from home if he's there - Do things w/friends or family by yourself - all this with the goal to DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING *** Keeping in mind that this is for benefit of the pursuer, not as punishment to the distancer. (It really, REALLY strikes me as odd that this is what I need to do to attract my partner.)
Some positive actions instead are: - Fill your life in new ways - Seek other people that will meet your emotional needs - Work at meeting new people - Remember what you used to enjoy - Develop emotional autonomy - Change your expectations
I think these last steps sound like what you do when you D. It also sounds like GAL, when you've been left. I don't know yet how that can be done without risking an EA/PA, though the book states clearly not to go there. And not to redirect your needs to your children (which I completely agree!) I'll have to work on that. Ideas would be appreciated.
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One thing I don't understand about your sitch is how you've been acting with H day to day. I know you've been venting here, but I can't see what's actually going on in your home. Are you detached and have you been distancing as suggested by the book already, or is that something you're considering starting to do now? Have you still been pursuing H or trying to cater to him, or have you been actively avoiding him?
For quite some time, I've been doing the dance described in the book. I would apply some of these points, H would not like it and make promises to change, I would reengage, and 3 days later we'd be right back to where we started. I don't do well not trying to change him, though I was really trying very hard to avoid doing that in regards to the marriage/friendship article. I could just see it coming. I'm not inviting to him, because I don't feel that way. I'm courteous because that's just who I am. We don't yell at each other or make sarcastic comments as we walk by. There is rarely any conversation that would be considered intimate, and that's maybe only level 2. Basically just facts (furnace isn't working, S has boyscouts, etc.) My BFF actually told me that if she didn't know the intimate details of our relationship, that she wouldn't know we even had problems.
In my mind, I feel like I need to go down a path to create a sitch for H like you have with your W. At the same time, it's completely one-sided for you and obviously not something you're going to continue forever. Well how long is "not forever?" How long do I do the distancer dance before I know H has really gotten it? That aspect of my sitch is what makes me relate so well with what Crimson's W is probably going through.
