Last night I had a dream of beating up the OM, but none of my punches would land or land to effect. I felt really weak in the dream. I then woke up and my heart was pounding pretty hard and I had shortness of breath, almost like a panic attack. I would calm down, then find myself fantasizing about putting my size 13 in the OM's a$$.
I guess I am angrier then I realize. I am trying to harness the anger for good, such as when I work out. I have been using the stop sign visualization when I think of W or OM, but it keeps coming back. I have been working on forgiving W and OM and thought I was getting there, but it seems like the anger is just getting stuffed instead.
Anyway, I realized that I have had dreams like this for the last 13 yrs. where I am trying to beat up someone, just rage-like, but feel really weak and not effective at beating them up.
I also realized that my Mom's car accident which eventually led to her death 11 yrs. later happened about when these dreams started happening.
Now, I am not a violent guy. I am about the meekest guy you would ever meet. I have forgiven the guy who was in the accident and haven't really looked back at it.
But these dreams involve family members, such as father and brother, whom I really don't have any problem with. Heck, I might only talk to them once a month and we are all very friendly. So I am guessing that the dream is representing something else.
But the OM? I believe that is about him.
I know that the A is just a symptom and will probably end sometime, especially in this sitch. I think what really bothered/s me is that W an OM went to my place of work, where people that I know work there, and flaunted their A and then put it on their facebook profile.
And she claims that she is not a "heartless Bi@^%" (her words, not mine).
I am working on detatching and have made great strides. I am GALing and will have my own apt. within 2 months.
But this dream triggered me and I hate that. I hate that I let this guy get into my head and ruin a good nights sleep.
Thanks for listening to this rant.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
