"This desperation is also generated by self-deception -- the expectation that the distancer can get more out of a relationship than he puts into it." I believe he's at that stage, where he's still trying to hold on to a self-beneficial, non-reciprocal relationship.
I believe my W is there too, she expects to get more from the relationship than she puts into it. When I take my contribution down to her level she complains and gets uncomfortable. For instance, yesterday she complained that I didn't reach out to her at all during the day. She seems to keep score on that. At the same time, she did nothing to reach out to me.
One thing I don't understand about your sitch is how you've been acting with H day to day. I know you've been venting here, but I can't see what's actually going on in your home. Are you detached and have you been distancing as suggested by the book already, or is that something you're considering starting to do now? Have you still been pursuing H or trying to cater to him, or have you been actively avoiding him?
I will be very interested in what you decide to do with the recommendations in the Solo Partner and how it works out for you. With my W, I firmly believe that if I distance she will get very upset and ultimately leave versus deciding to "do the work" or even see the path of doing the work as a way to make things better. I think she's more likely to run than fight.
Keep me updated on what you decide to do with the info in the book.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
