Denial....its not just a river in Egypt...

[imthemom]

thanks VC and MZ...S15s party was a hit...they all had a good time. It was nice having a house full of kids again, i have really missed that! S28 showed up to give his brother a present and hung out for awhile with me, which was nice. I was feeling a little lonely as my 2 gfs that were supose to come and hang out with me had to cancel at the last minute. made me sad because all the yrs before H was always here helping out and just being part of it. this is the first bday party he did not attend or participate in ever......

For his bday present I had agreed to let S15 her his ears pierced...he has been wanting to for years but H would never let him, I had S15 call and talk to him about it and he finally agreed and met us there last night to watch. after they were done he said we should all go get dinner so we went and ate together. It was perfectly civil but there was no attempt to engage me in conversation and really...i could have not even been there and it would not have been noticed. I acted as if everything was fine and there was no mention of why he didnt come to party.

He had sent me a text earlier in the day about not wanting things to be the way they are between us (again...) and that he would always love me for the great mom that I am to S15. I really dont understand what is going on with him..he is so back and forth. I dont know how to have any kind of relationship with him with what he is doing...the D is on hold because he told my L that he was going to speak to his own L and we now have a court date in May. He was served these papers last week nad has made no mention of them or what he is doing. My L has not heard from him so everything is on hold just waiting for the court date. I know he doesnt want to pay the support so he is dragging it out and that makes me frustrated...he wanted this, He is still seeing his ow and makeing this all so difficult but we are supose to be friendly ????????

Since telling S15 about his ow he has a least attempted at being more involved aside from the party...he did tell me he would give me some money to help pay for the party but didnt last night so Im not counting on it. I just dont know how to act with him anymore. I was really looking at him last night and thinking, do I still love this man? could there be anything left now? ..I couldnt answer my own question. Im so confused b the whole situation...I really feel that if this ow was not in the picture the situation would be different. but that is obviousley not going to happen anytime soon. I get the feeling that the relationship has progessed and gotten alot more seriouse, and that is why he is so uncomfortable around me.
I hope the reason why he didnt come to the party was because of me....I dont know why he would feel that way. I make a point of being friendly and kind when he is around, I dont talk about anything more involved then the weather and how S15 is doing in school...I do not hang around when he has come by and give him and S15 there space but that hasnt even happened in months.
I dont know what else I can do....I feel like I have truly "put down the rope"....I really feel like there is no hope of any type of reconciliation. that hurts to even admit but its obviouse that is not on his mind at all ...its been 6 months with absolutley NO sign or baby step of any kind. yet yesterday when we were sitting at the table together I just thought "this is such a shame"....
If anyone at all thinks I should still be giving this any kind of effort please let me know....I still wish I could save my marriage but dont want to loose my self in the process. It has taken me a lot of hard work and pain to get to were I am now. I dont ever want to go back to were I was.