Accuray You hadn't mentioned that you confronted her about it later on. As for fitness tests maybe that was the wrong term, but MMSL or not you get the behavior you tolerate. I just wanted to point out that.
As for the way I think well things have sure changed. You are right in that I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. I still think DB was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Despite this it's been a very long and hard year. My wife like yours and a couple of other old timers returned, yet something wast quite right. They're physically back, but mentally go WAW.
They know they don't want to leave, but they can't accept that. They say things like I'm doing it for the kids, or I don't know if this is what I want, amongst other excuses.
I know DB is all about saving marriages, which I still believe in. Just not in saving marriages "at ALL costs".
Especially when the WAW won't commit to a happy marriage and instead strings the LBS along.
Now of course everyone's definition of a happy marriage is different. Mine happens to include a robust sex life.
So if your W does not even want to lift a finger to give you what makes you happy then I believe it's ok to move on.
That being said I really love my W like many here do, so the MMSL philosophy fits well it gives me a chance to methodically improve myself while giving my wife a chance to notice my improvements while giving her time to react and show some of her own.
I try to model the relationship I want by acting the part in my own marriage. I think I either haven't expressed myself well or people are misunderstanding.
I don't believe in a sudden thunderous ultimatum. I especially don't believe in being a WAS.
What I do believe in now is my inherent self worth, and what it will take to keep a person like myself in a relationship. Don't necessarily believe in unconditional love either, or rather that it's smart to practice it.
I think there have to be conditions to stay, on both sides. You wouldn't stay with your partner if they killed your parents, how about if they beat you? Cheated on you? Talked down to you? Disrespected you? Denied you all sexual pleasure?The slope gets more slippery as we go down.
Of course you have your children and their welfare to think about, but consider this: it is said that children often model their parents relationships, what type of role models do they have?
I think following the MAP is a very good way since it advocates about a year for every "point in sex rank" you want to achieve. This means that you have a long time to fix yourself and your spouse has a long time to notice, but most importantly accept your changes.
When a spouse becomes a WAW whether you want to call it sex rank, not enough alpha or beta, or whatever, you are not worth much to your spouse. Your probably hemorrhaging value.
DB is excellent at closing the wound. Its like emergency care for a marriage. It stabilizes it. Going dark, 180's, stopping the begging and pleading, are all ways of stopping you from behaving and unattractive ways and making you even more intolerable to your WAS.
Whereas DB is emergency treatment, MMSL (at least for the guys) is like strengthening the muscle around the wound, and practicing preventive care.
Ultimately though if the one that keeps stabbing the marriage and opening wounds, part of preventive care would be to move away from the person doing damage. Thus why the MAP ends in divorce.
I've received advice in the past before saying that a LD has no reason to change unless they have a good reason.
SSM lays out a lot of good reasons as to why the LD should change. (a happy partner, and a strong marriage being big ones, and of course discouraging infidelity being important too)
I think the average stubborn LD is too conflicted with their own issues to care about their partners fulfillment, while at the same time either believes their partner incapable, unwilling, or too unattractive to cheat or leave for someone else.
In other words "my marriage is safe, so I don't have to change"
Or worse "I care so little for my marriage that I don't care if he cheats or leaves, maybe I'll leave first!"
By following the map, you increase your own self value so that she hopefully values you more, in doing that she realizes you now have the ability to cheat or leave for someone else. It doesn't mean you will, or are even considering it, but you can.
Now she has to protect this man she suddenly values, lest some other woman take him away.
It's her motivation to change. We often tell people here to become the person only a fool would leave.
MMSL tweaks it to say: be the person only a fool would risk losing.
