Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

The nursing board told her she needed to keep going to After-Care another 6 months and choose a different course. The one she was going to wasn't board certified. We didn't realize this. So ... I guess they knew it all along and decided to wait to tell us.

My wife was pretty bummed. I'm worried this will trigger another episode of depression. She expressed that she really didn't know why she had been feeling this way for the past several days. Maybe hormones, she said. I think it has to do with guilt and lack of confidence.

Coincidentally, I decided to change my approach yesterday even before she called me with the bad news. So I hit her with several key pieces of advice that, I believe, hit home. I'm really trying to stand tall for both of us. I'm really trying to be a positive influence on her regardless of how she is toward me or how she feels about me for the moment. I say "moment," because her moods change with the tides.

She continually tries to find happiness from external sources. This does nothing but either helps her for a minute or keeps her in the dark hole she's sunk into. She cannot change anything that happens to her, but she can change how she reacts to every situation.

Regarding the bad news, I told her that this could be a motivating factor in her life. For 2 years now she has only slightly fulfilled her requirements the nursing board laid upon her. I told her that the path is open for another 6 months and she can slowly develop a new game plan to attack this the right way. He NA meetings can be something extremely beneficial if she chooses to attend more than once a week. She can develop a better, more open, relationship with her sponsor. There is hardly a soul on this earth that she really opens up to and this lady is perfect. She is to the point, no holds barred, punch in the gut, in your face about everything. I totally dig her. My wife, I think, finds it tough to open up to her for those reason alone.

This time also gives her the opportunity to keep at her steps that she won't work on. I laid out a plan for her and told her that I fully support her time that it takes to work on this and will be there for anything she needs. Unfortunately, these steps delve into deep places within her and she hates it. I've helped her plan out a lot with these steps, with her sponsor, with her meeting, but I cannot force her to go. I can only encourage and support her. Once I start forcing her she immediately goes into rebellion-mode. So ... I plan it out the step back. That's all I can do.

With my training and racing I plan out day to day what I'm doing on and off the bike, in the kitchen, when I go to bed, when I nap, everything. I love lists and guidelines. My wife doesn't. She has always gone about this spur-of-the-moment. She procrastinates. She waits and hurries. If it doesn't work, F* it! Move along and find something else that will. I try something for a while then decide if it works or not. I can spend weeks or months on a program before moving to something else if I feel it isn't what I need. If my wife doesn't see results within days, it ain't working. Which is odd because she quite patient with things, while I'm let's get this done now type of guy.

Yesterday, after lunch, I sent her tidbits of advice and heart-felt quotes to help keep her from going down the hole. I think it worked - yesterday. She seemed a bit upbeat closer to the time I was leaving work to meet her at our daughter's school event. She was close to me when I was there, touching and looking at me.

As for me, my approach is a little different to her. When I 180 it seems she walks away from me emotionally most of the time. She shuts herself off. When I treat her as a guy trying to seduce her, so to speak, she really opens up to me and lets me in. If I'm a bit romantic, yet mysterious, she is accepting. If I show a general interest but not act overly pathetic she responds. When I'm strong and confident and act like I'm pursuing her a bit she acts like it's what she wants. She seems to want to be seduced. She likes playful banter. She likes to see interest and genuine smiles. She likes the occasional touch or kissing or neck rub.

Last year when she was visiting relatives I sent her a love quote or poem every morning when I got up. She responded positively to this. When she got home we were closer than ever. But it wore off after a while. Reality, you know? When you're home you're forced to face your life and all its ugliness. I tried to stay positive and supportive. Eventually though, she started going dark again.

I think I need to slowly seduce her again to get her to see how important she is to someone. She needs to see how full her life is and that this outside BS doesn't change the fact that she is a living miracle and that her blood - her life - flows in two other living, breathing, miracles as well. I told her yesterday that, just for a moment, she needs to see all the beauty and perfection in our daughters. She needs to witness all the joy and happiness the exude. Look at their creativity and majesty as life produced from her. Remember their smiles each day. Remember their tears. Remember their pains and anguish. That is life. A life we gave them. The blood that warms them each day came from the same wonderful, beautiful, creative, living creature. Her daughters are reflections of who my wife really is. It's not the dark ugliness her mind tries to manifest when things don't go her way. Our children have a freedom to express themselves without remorse or fear. They can laugh and cry and spit fire all in a matter of minutes based on what life throws at them. But generally they jump and cheer and laugh and have a peace we need to recognize and should attain.

This is a freedom adults forgot to hold on to. That happiness our children have should never be squashed. It is a happiness not from an external source. It's internal. It's based on a freedom to live with a peace knowing not what lies ahead but what "is" at that moment.