Ok, so I need some advice, emotional support, motivation, some other sane person to remind me I'm not crazy.... It's 5:30am and I can't sleep because last night I had the worst night since Bomb Drop back in October. H came to "my" room last night to see if I had given anymore thought to "our situation" (that's right 11 years together, and now we are in a situation). I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now because it's 8:30 and we both have to work in the morning, and I am in pain. Well apparently he didn't care. He was like why is something wrong with you (actually for a moment seemed concerned, like the man I married) I said yes actually, there is, I think I have my first ever hemorrhoid (sorry for the TMI everyone, but such is my life right now). Then body snatcher came back and said oh, and got back into the, "I don't want in this relationship anymore, no emotional connection, feeling trapped, blah blah blah.
I do believe he is feeling trapped due to the job he hates, and he can't leave it because of the bills, and he sees me as the person crushing that plan, so of course, I'm the bad guy.... everyone else just lets him live in delusional world. I can not believe there is no one else in his life who won't be the voice of reason. He has surrounded himself with idiots, really.
Well initially I did a good job of validation and saying I understand, and for the most part did not cry..... just a little. Then, and he's done this before, he brought my parents up because they are divorced, like that's going to make this better (his parents are divorced too!!), I should have mentioned the fact my mom has told me she regrets ever leaving my dad. So that was his point for relationships sometimes end (he's said this before) rational lies he is telling himself. I was like so what, so are your parents. I said did your mom have something to do with this, telling you to just leave your family, whatever makes you happy, just get out, guess you are just like her. I know, I know, BAD thing to say!!!! I knew the moment the words were leaving my lips, but I couldn't help it, I know that evil woman is NOT helping my case. So of course he's like of course you would blame this on my mom! Then he pulled the "I don't want to fight with you" card, but clearly he does.
He started to get angry when I wouldn't agree to sell the house. He's like well then it's going to go into foreclosure, I'll stop paying the bills. I asked him what bills he would like me to take over now that I'm done paying his car off. That mad him even more mad... oh MY car, that's how we are going to play now? Excuse me Mr. Body Snatcher but I thought that's the way you were playing. Of course he had to pretend to be the big hero, no, no I'll pay everything. I told him he's still financially responsible for half of all the bills if he leaves anyway since we are married. Then he went on with you have me "by the balls" I can't leave and I'm trapped by all these bills and I'm starting to get bitter (yeah starting to.....). I was like you can leave that's your choice. I started stating all the choices he was making, like leaving our family, not looking inside himself, etc.....
But in his messed up little head he's projecting everything on me, which when I said I understood that he told me to "stop psycho-analyzing him. I said I'm not. I told him he has lots of choices, to which he rolled his eyes to. I told him I can only control me and he can only control him and he his trying to make all my choices for me and I don't want to leave our home. He says it wouldn't be our home because I wouldn't be here. I said well then I don't want to leave my home. He wanted an explanation for that. I told him because we both worked to hard to get there and just because he wanted out of it all didn't mean I did.
No matter what I said in this conversation I was the bad guy. I told him I missed the husband I married. He said well that guys not here anymore, and who knows if he ever was. (gee in crisis much?!?! and denial?!?!?!) I got the I will always love and care about you, but I don't feel the emotional connection anymore and want out line again. I said that's your choice to leave. He got pissed because he said he talked to a lawyer and knows how that will play out, he will have to pay all my bills for the rest of my life. I said well even if we would do it your way you are going to have to pay me alimony....apparently that pissed him off... he stormed out of the room proclaiming the conversation over. Like I said I didn't yell or raise my voice at all, he was the angry one. I did shed some tears, but I wasn't sobbing, but between the physical pain in my backside and this emotional pain I couldn't help it.
He came back about 5 minutes later, still fired up, and said he's sorry he spoke so angrily, that's not going to help this situation and then he walked away. I didn't say a word.
During this conversation (or the attack on me),I also said so if we do it your way that's not fair to me, I'm not getting any choices. He said if we do it my way he's not getting any choices, and he doesn't know if he could possibly be more selfish, but he doesn't want to do things my way. I again asked if there is someone else, he said no but there could be. He again pulled the what is it going to take to get you to accept this, do I have to serve you with papers? I was like no, cause I still won't believe it. I said so what if we do go our separate ways and then in 6 months from now you decided you made a big mistake, would you come back to me? He said I don't see that happening look at how long it's been and I don't feel anything different. I said yeah well I've been here. He's like not really to me. AAAHH!!!
So of course the last 4.5 months have gone through my head and I was smart and did NOT say anything but, there have been glimpses of the man I married throughout that time...... so I guess he has cycled back to the beginning again....
I continue to do the only thing I can do, I pray constantly. I know God has a plan, I have no idea what that plan is, but I know he has one, and I'm just going to continue to trust him through all this pain.
Body Snatchers can seem so convincing... but in my heart I know the husband I married is in there somewhere, the one who IS emotionally connected to me, the one who wouldn't run away from me. So am I crazy??? Am I in deep denial about all of this???
