Thanks for the encouragement. I really try to be aware of maintaining my dignity, and not engaging H in an argument (b/c that's exactly what old purg would have done, and that's what he's expecting.) ---------------------------- Ok, so I've either completely ruined things, or I planted a seed...
Last night H and I were talking about random stuff before bed- and a huge voice in my head said: "tell him!" It was so loud that I could have sworn someone was behind me. So I just opened my mouth and things started flowing out- it was almost like an out of body experience b/c I don't know where it all came from. Everything DB has taught me, went flying out the door. Here's what I said:
"I'm not holding onto you anymore, I'm moving on and creating a life for me and the boys. I have accepted that my H and my M are over and gone, and to be honest, I wouldn't want that M back. It wasn't good for either of us. I didn't like who I was in that M. I can tell you that I still love you; not my H, but *you*. I love the guy who can go toe to toe with me and put me in my place, the guy who can make me have the sqweeky laugh that makes you laugh, the father of my children, the man who is my solid ground when I get shaky. I still love that man. I will also tell you that there is nothing that has been done or said that can't be forgiven and moved on from. I know that I'm not the one you want to help you through the pain and confusion, because I'm the one that caused it- but I would like to try. I can't apologize enough for some of the things I've done or said to you, I could say I'm sorry everyday of that would help (jokingly.) It took years of neglect for you to walk away, I have no expectation that any of it would change in a matter of weeks or months. You always wanted/needed me to be vulnerable with you and be completely open- it took me a year to figure out how to do that- but it was too late by then. And now that I am capable of being completely open with you, you don't want it. It's hard to have all these instincts and responses towards you- like reaching to give you a hug or expressing passion for you.Things that you always said you needed from me. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to let you know where I'm at in this sitch." My voice remained steady, soft and calm the whole time. And my heart was about to jump out of my chest!!
He kept my stare the whole time and never interrupted. He looked away a few times to wipe his eyes (he didn't try to hide the fact that he was getting chocked up.) When I was done, he stared right into my eyes for what felt like an hour- almost like he was searching behind my eyes for something. He said: "thank you for telling me all that, it means a lot to me. I appreciate you respecting my boundaries and not reaching out towards me for affection. I'm still recovering from us- this hurt me a lot more that I realized. I'll have a year in Afghanistan away from everyone and everything, so we'll see what happens then" [he was referencing a previous comment when I brought up OW and her role in his deployment]
He went to bed and gave me a "good night babe" and I got 'the grin' that makes my heart melt. Today, I get a text on my way to work reminding me to take care of some tax papers. Another text an hour later to tell me to put S6 name on his bat and glove for tee ball. Both strange b/c there's no rush and he could have told me these reminders later.
I didn't hear from him he rest of the day- except when he text at 8pm to say he needed to come by and get a few things. He only talked to me to tell me that he was concerned about something I said to my GD and that he thought it was inappropriate. [when she told me that she missed me, I told that I did too but that it was too painful to be around her mom. apparently, she told her mom (and OW told H) that she felt guilty from this comment.] I told him there was no malintent and I would resolve this with GD. He told me that he thought I've been doing this a lot lately: not thinking about others reactions before I say something (really. Of sure what else he's referring to?) He left to go sleep at 'his room'.
So, it's long and tedious- and if youve made it to the end, thank you. Any ideas if I've screwed up?
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
