I GALed the Sh!t out of my weekend. Friday night was a bday party for a friend. We ended up at a bar that was playing 50-90s music. I really enjoy dancing. I'm getting more comfortable with being swung around. I think swing lessons are in my near future.
Saturday was jammed pack with a soccer game and basketball practice. There is a small part of me that is shy.. but it is diminishing. Overall I'm enjoying not only the physical activity but meeting new people.
Later I helped a g/f set up for an Oscar Party. I did some of the cooking which is a 180 for me.
Saturday Night was spent a wrap part for a feature I ADed. It was a lesbian film so there was a ton of people from my community. I wore a fantastic dress and was nominated best dress
It was quite the moral booster. Alot of "great working with you". ALOT of kisses on the cheek.
Sunday was an Oscar Party. I was dressed in a very vintage dress. I had 2 date options.. which was very flattering.
I had a close g/f who worked on "The Artist" so when it won best picture.. we gave her.. her own oscar with her name on it.....
... she almost cried.
We took lots of pictures. I smell a new FB profile pic in my near future.
Overall.. a great weekend.
Whilst at my wrap party... I received an apology text from w. She apologized for how she left the phone call, that we were both doing our best and that she understood that I needed time and that I wasn't trying to delay the process. She apologized if it came across that way.
I was very shocked to receive it. I debated about responding. What I should say or if I should say anything.
I decided to not say anything. Because although I appreciate the sentiment... I don't trust it.
If she is working on changing, then this is a step in the right direction... however she has much work ahead of her and my heart is too fragile to be any part of her journey.
So I can receive the apology.. but that's it.
Maybe that is not applauding the 1%... but I feel safer, calmer, and more positive being dark.
I respect those LBSers who can detach early and have learned to keep their heart safe whilst communicating with their spouses......
....but I have spent too much of my marriage wanting my w to be different. I have hoped to the point of creating a woman that doesn't exist.
I need to remain in reality. I need to remain true to the new me.
The old Val would have given into W about the health insurance. The old Val would have crumbled at the guilt and venom.
The Old Val would have put herself aside yet again for a woman who would not do the same for me.
The Old Val would have jumped on that apology and told her how much it meant to me... even if I didn't believe it.
But I am not her. I am proud of how I acted. Her words hurt but I know I did the right thing. I am sad that she couldn't do the same, but that will pass.
I will continue to learn the lesson that my goodness and kindness isn't for her. As long as she continues to take advantage or abuse my good heart... I cannot share it with her.
It sukks that she cannot experience me.. but that is her choice. One that she continues to make every day.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
