WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

@Gabby... yes, it sounds eerily familiar unfortunately. There is a rampant history of bi-polar in my W's family. Her dad is bi-polar. Her grandpa was as well I would guess based on stories I've been told. Her grandpa on her mom's side was as well.

Thanks for sharing that story. That could have been my life up to now, except replace "Atlantic City" with "binge drinking". Nothing was ever enough and I could never make her happy. Again, this isn't to say I didn't screw up too. In fact, perhaps my biggest mistake was not to "step in the puddle" with her and confront her on her behavior. Demand that she get help and then support her. Instead I tried to make the world perfect for her, got angry at her for all the hoops I jumped through to do this, and then locked her out because I was angry and took my anger out on others.

I think the past week has been much about me wanting what I can't have. Not wanting HER so much as wanting US back. I can't have it so I want it.

Last night a really pretty minor event happened that made me realize I don't want her back. Not like she is. I guess it wasn't one event, it was a combination of things. First, she gave me a stack of old photos. I looked through them. It was painful but it was good too. They were from years ago. Holidays at my mom's house, trips we took before our S was born, family time when S was one or two. I saw all the happiness we had. Happiness she denies. I see us cuddling, embracing, touching, kissing, and being together. All things she said we've never had. Candid photos of us lying on a couch holding each other. It made me remember the days when she would do things for me. Things to make me happy just out of the blue. The way people who care for each other do. It also reminded me who my W was once upon a time.

Then my mom called last night. She wanted to know what was up with my W. My W had posted to Facebook that she was tired of being taken for granted. Based on the convo her and I had when I got the kids I believe this was directed at them (not that they'll see it... kids aren't on FB). She was angry, furious really, that she worked all day on setting up the new house. Hanging photos, cleaning, organizing, etc... and the kids didn't help much at all. They laid around, watched TV, etc... in short they were kids. The most helpful was S and of course he was... he's five and helping is still cool

But that FB comment made me realize how incredibly self-focused my W is right now. How ungrateful those children are. Don't they realize how hard she is working? Really? C'mon. You just tore apart their world, made them move, and disrupted their lives... and you want them to be grateful to you? Be glad they aren't throwing things at you.

Now... this isn't a change for my W. But when we were still under the same roof I didn't acknowledge it. I guess I kept hoping she wouldn't move out, so I didn't want to admit these things to myself. If I did then I would have to deal with me and wonder why the heck I still want someone like that in my house. It was easier to ignore and overlook (which is what I've done for YEARS) and simply accomodate and placate. I'm pretty sure this is what Oldtimer was trying to tell me for months, but I wouldn't listen.

Gabby... you asked if I would let her back in now if she asked. No, I wouldn't. I am confident of that. Not that the FB post is really a big deal, but it's what it represents. That rather than saying thanks for taking the kids, feeding them, and having them over for a few hours... instead I get why aren't you taking them more. Instead of being empathetic to the three little lives you've just lobbed a hand grenade at... we get, woe is me and how undervalued I am.

Enough. She needs to live her life now. She needs to be with herself and learn who she is. I need to do the same. I really don't know if we can ever find a path back. That's not meant to be defeatist... it's meant to just be observational. A year ago I wouldn't have guessed we'd be here. And in the same vein I can't predict what we will be like a year from now. But clearly there have to be conditions if she does ever want to return. And those conditions may make a return impossbile. But there's no point focusing on that right now since it's not a reality... instead just live in the now.