I definitely feel you are itching for an argument with H, even though you may feel you are being calm and rational. From my interpretation, your opinions are well considered and well researched. You have a lot of conviction in your beliefs, and you feel that what you believe is well-justified.
H, on the other hand, seems to be constantly getting caught flat-footed. He is not well researched or well thought out in advance. He's coming into these conversations not well able to express himself and tries to wing it.
When you sense he's doing that, you pounce. You try to shine a light on his contradictions and irrational statements. He then sees that you're out maneuvering him, and he gets embarrassed, defensive, and/or belligerent because he's been painted into a corner. It seems that when he realizes he's been cornered, he just wants to let the issue drop and walk away, but you keep chasing him to bring his point to a close when it's obviously not going anywhere.
Honestly it comes across a bit like bullying -- you are smarter, faster, etc., where he is slower, less prepared, less able to think on his feet. It doesn't seem like you respect him, so you treat him like someone who is not worthy of your respect.
I think you're putting a veneer of "nice and accommodating" over the top, but it's easy for him (and the folks on this board) to see through that right away.
WRT the tactical dilemmas, snoring makes me nuts too. Not being able to get a restful night of sleep is the worst. Some suggestions:
1) Twitching: How about a king bed composed of two twins pushed together? That way you have your own mattress and may be insulated from his twitching. You can still touch across the gap before you fall asleep and when you wake up, but when you're sleeping you're isolated.
2) Snoring: Either you need to deal with it or he does. You can't both do nothing. He could try breathe-right strips, or other solutions from a doctor. You could get used to wearing earplugs. One of you would have to do something.
WRT the respect issue, do you believe your H is as intelligent as you are? DO you respect him? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you feel contempt for him and look down on him. If that's the case, it's going to be hard to get back to loving him.
Accuray
I'm just copying this over here, as to not lose it on the previous post. It has a lot of great points that I want to get back to.
Quote:
One of you would have to do something.
One simple question before I get into all the complicated stuff. Why does one of us have to do something? Why can't we just accept that this is how it is? I've wanted for my whole marriage for H to earn more money so I could quit work and be a SAHM. He was management when I met him. He's been steadily working his way down the corporate ladder ever since. He COULD go back to school and get a masters, but he hasn't. He COULD get some certification, but he hasn't. I've been blessed in my career and I'm making the best of it in spite of having to work when I don't want to, even going back to school myself, and I haven't brought it up to H in forever. It simply is what it is and it's not likely to change. Why are H's demands acceptable? Why isn't his approach "nagging?" Why isn't his claim that God wants us to sleep together "bullying?" It's certainly how I feel.
Meanwhile, I have to go study for a micro exam tomorrow (eek!) so I'll have to post more detail regarding the rest of the recent posts later.
