Antonia, I wanted to let you know your posts are just what the doctor ordered for me! Oh my, this is just what I needed to hear! You are a role model for me, and thanks to your insights, I feel more confident in going on through the next stages in my life. I will continue to read them, because I need to hear it over and over!
Though I know it's ok for someone to be alone, it's hard to not feel like the oddball given someone always has someone, or is looking for someone. Yet Im in the same boat as you, as far as what type of person I'd like to date or even marry again if I ever did. I have made friends with someone online. It was nice to talk to a man that appears to have some emotional availablity, who is kind and caring, but I can tell he's not the one for me. Friends for sure, but nothing more. I sense bit intiamacy issues with him.
I can completely identify with the "all or nothing" thinking, because that's all I tend to do. I've found it's causing me much more pain and suffering emotionally than I need it to. It's twisting my perspective and the perspective looks very dark, dim, and so sad.
See Im very hard on myself and I have very high expectations of myself. Im very disappointed in myself that I've allowed this divorce and separtion from my husband to emotionally pummell me like no tomorrow. Im a proud woman. Im intelligent, and liked by many people. Im good at what I do, and am always up to become all I can be. Yet this sitch has brought me down lower in ways I didn't think was possible for me. I find myself getting frustrated with myself for allowing this to make me such an emotional wreck. GAL has been pretty damn hard. Truthfully I have no life. My life was about my family, which really was no problem for me, up until it all fell apart. Now I literally don't know what to do with myself.
Which brings me to say that I think what you did with your rings is an excellent idea. You know I had the thought over the last months that I'd like to get a ring to wear on my wedding ring finger as a symbol of committment to myself, and the best I can do for myself. Maybe I could have the old wedding set melted down and re designed into a new ring.
I started to GAL for a while, and then communication started up with xh and it's just brought up all LOVING feelings I have towards him. Since then all it's done is put me in an emotional state of anxiety, because I had just begun detatchement, but not enough I can see. I see he still cares about me, and misses our family unit. Things he says or does shows that the kids are on his mind all the time and that our past history has not be erased in his mind. The way he acted in the past I felt like maybe that's what he did. Erased our good times ( and there were alot)and they were never to be thought of again.
But in light of all this, I can see that I've lost myself in trying to figure out what I could ever do to fix the things I did wrong and contributed to in the downfall of our marriage. This isn't healthy and I know it. It's very hard to let go. All I know to do is to keep as little contact with him as possible in order for me to move on. We've been very friendly for a week now, but it was called for, our daughter needed surgery.
I think what hurts so much is that it was like seeing my old friend again, and having a reunion doing the one thing we have the most passion for which is our kids.See xh was very gung ho on being friends when he left, he pushed it and pursued it. It drove me to the brink of insanity and I ended up doing backslides in the worst way...I hadn't discovered DB yet. This last week, It was so nice to see him, so nice to joke with him again, so nice to just work together for the girls, and not worry about our fights, divorce, or hurt feelings.At this point in time, xh seems to be just fine in keeping up the consistent friendly exchanges and I want to do that as well. But at the same time I guess you could say I feel guilty for feeling that way. I almost feel like Im the other woman now, given he's living with OW. I guess it gets down to the post divorce rules you were talking about. I don't know what inappropriate and appropriate. I figure the least amount of exchange is whats needed, but at times it's not possible due to whatever is going on with the kids.
I feel it's best for everyone's sanity to stay friendly for the kids sake, yet what is that costing me? Can I handle it? Adjusting to having a partial relationship with him is just the most confusing thing for me. I still love him, but I can't love him the way that I want. Maybe it's me. I don't know how to have a deep love for a man and then let it just stay at friendship and leave it that way forever. I can make friends with a man and keep it at friends, but to love someone deeply, and then just say " ok we're friends now" and keep it at that I just can't do right away. In 10 years, yes maybe. But not in less than a year.
