When it's a one-way street...part 3

[2thepoint]

Thanks 2!

I read this as saying, "Look H, I think you are full of crap and I can prove it, but I'm not going to waste my time!" It would probably have been best if you didn't even go down this path.

Okay, to be completely honest, I do think he's full of cr@p. Would it have been offensive if I had simply said, "I don't believe it does say that, but I could be wrong and I would be happy to consider anything you'd like to point me to."? I'm really not up for sitting down and looking through the bible with him, especially when I believe he is wrong. Also, I feel like that's putting him in a position where I will literally be working with him and ultimately pointing out that he's wrong, and to me, that would be more in line with "proving" it.

If it was necessary to touch on this, maybe it would have been more productive to pull out a few selected quotes and ask him to help you understand what he is thinking, because you're not getting it.

Can you tell me how that would be different than my asking him to explain his belief that God wants us to sleep in the same bed? I feel like any time I ask for an explanation, I'm being offensive somehow, yet now you're suggesting I should.

So when you said "that's all I need to know" what were you thinking? What do you think your H thinks you were thinking?

I was thinking his clearly different perception of himself was going to result in a huge conflict if I attempted to discuss it with him. Since he was unable to see his own shortcomings in light of the marriage definition, it meant we were simply on completely different planets when it came defining the problems in the relationship. Since we communicate so ineffectively, I believed any further conversation about the topic would be monumental, unsuccessful, and pointless. I wasn't going to try to correct him -- he's entitled to his perspective. I don't really know what he thought, although he still keeps asking me what issues I had with it. I've reluctantly given him two.

I would have dropped it until the issue came up again, and then I would have said something like, "I was waiting for that email you said you were going to send" and leave it at that. No need to escalate.

I'm having a difficult time distinguishing the difference between two instances where in one case, the approach is bad, and in another the same approach is good. You indicated it would have been good if I had offered/asked to sit down with him and look up scriptural references for sleeping in the same bed, but when I do attempt to work/talk with him about his definition for marriage, I've done something wrong because I pursued the email.

Would it be good/reasonable to just sit and wait for him to initiate/drive? I can do that, but I feel so checked out of the relationship if I do. Like the conversation in the car, he just doesn't invest. Like the email, he'll often say he's going to do something and then never does. I don't know how to tell when I'm helping the relationship or hurting it. It seems like I'm just always wrong.

You pushed him for the email, so you should have let him send it. By pressing the issue over and over and then telling him to basically forget it, it really comes across a lot like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. Go ahead Charlie, kick the ball, I won't pull the ball away.

It's interesting that you would say that I'M the one doing that. I would have said the same thing about him. He says he wants to engage with me, but then doesn't send the email. When I come to him and want to engage, by asking for the email, he complains that I'm hounding him. So I say nevermind, and then suddenly he won't leave it alone. If I initiated a conversation tonight, because he last said he still wanted to talk about it, he would be resistant. (That reminds me, my Sole Partner book came and it has a chapter on this dance, I believe. I need to go read that.) In any case, I would say my actions are responsive, not leading, but I'm trying to apply what you're saying.

Looking for a plan going forward, incorporating everything you're suggesting. I have to admit that I'm so gun-shy right now, that I'm afraid to say much of anything to him. Would it be wrong to do absolutely nothing to work on the relationship until he brings it up or makes a suggestion? Honestly, he might never. He claims he just never knows how to initiate or what to talk about.

CV - it is really hard to comment on each specific interaction you have with your H. The whole dynamic between you two just seems so screwy.

Accuray commented on your other post so when you have a minute, go take a look at what he has to say there. His points about how he sees the interaction between the two of you, seems to be pretty spot on in my opinion.

In a previous post I suggested you take a look at a book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I really think you should take a look at it.

Here is the list of the chapter titles:

Part One: Why it has been so hard to improve your relationship
1 - How we break the connection: Fear and Shame
2 - Why we fight: The reactivity of fear and shame
3 - The silent male: What he's thinking and feeling
4 - The worst thing a woman does to a man: Shaming
5 - The worst thing a man does to a woman: Leaving her alone but married
6 - How fear and shame lead to infidelity, separation and divorce

Part Two: Using your fear and shame to create love beyond words
7 - Your core values
8 - Learning to transform fear and shame in your relationship
9 - Binocular vision
10 - The natural language of binocular vision: When sex talks, who needs words?
11 - The only connection skill you need: Stepping into the puddle
12 - If you want connection, forget "feelings" think motivation
13 - Man to man - How to strengthen your relationship without becoming a woman
14 - The power love formula: Four and three quarter minutes a day to a powerful relationship

Conclusion: If you want to love big, you have to think small