Anxiety, boundaries and expectations?

[angel61]

Everyone has ups and downs, and sometimes it gets magnified and noticed more during this time, because we have the spotlight on our spouses.

I feel the same way about my H. I easily feel ignored. When he comes back from a trip and he is cranky, I wonder if he talked touch with xOW. When he is sad, I wonder if he is regretting his decision to stay, or if that its not working out for him.

Once he asked me, after I asked him for the nth time "what wrong?" if he was not allowed to have "off days" just because we were working on reconciliation.

What we don't realize is that we are also in the spotlight. My H once said that he is nervous that I would go off and become angry at him again. When I notice anything negative he does, I can see that he is also hypersensitive to me. And I thought I was being upbeat, but apparently, he also sees me as mood swinging too!

It works both ways, I suppose.

In my case, my H tells me that sometimes, he feels off because what happened comes back to him and he just wants to forget it. He also said that it takes time for the feelings to come back, just like it takes time for the feelings from the EA (wether it be shame, regret, sadness, a lingering emotion) to go away.

I read from an article (and also heard from MWD's you tube talk - you should listen to those) that it takes from 1-2 years for things to start getting back to normal.

I'd say keep the expectations really low for now, and let your H find himself. In many cases, the intellectual realization comes before the feelings.