Thanks for the kind words and advice. I was very brief with my initial post but my w was in the other room and I didn't want her to see me on this site.
"what did you try? when you say a 180---what does that mean to YOU? (It might not mean the same thing to her, and it might mean, there isn't enough time by HER standards)
-what you focus on expands: what is GOOD between the two of you? OR--what USED TO BE good? How did you fall in love? How long have you been together? When did this change?"
Those are great questions dbmod and I should be able to answer them below:
My W and I met at work and within about 1.5 yr of a pretty intense wonderful R got married (almost 9 yrs now). I did find out some great things about her during the first phase of our R: 1. She's smart. 2. Sexy 3. Great sex (except for oral...more on that below). 4. Beautiful (inside and outside) 5. We made each other laugh and had great fun together.
Some challenging things I found out during the first phase of the R: 1. Didn't really like the "future" in laws very much (big family, almost have there own culture, loud and obnoxious, I'm a geek who is not into sports at all, they were huge sports fans, very religious and I'm not). 2. Big sex drive difference between us (mine is high, her's is low)...this I've read (and seen) is common so I tried to not let it bother me. 3. She was not open with her emotions(I really had to dig to get any info about her emotional state). 4. Very pushy...her way or the highway. 5. Her family was structured as matriarchy (MIL clearly ran things). My family is very patrichial (which I still have difficulties checking my self from sliding into). I really wanted an egalatarian R. 6. This sounds silly but...she is huge country music fan, I could only stand a little bit of it...now I HATE IT! 7. Found out during engagment that her brother attempted sibling incest when she was in middle school. She felt that this detered her sex drive (and I'm guessing this really warped her perception about sex and intimacy...please chime in on this any pysch majors). Got married. Things were still great but of course, the passion was dying down which was normal and expected. About 1.5 yrs into M she flirted heavily with a coworker of mine (right in front of me) and this really destroyed all trust I had for her. She was not at all apologetic about this until months later (she said it was just a crush). Still have trust issues to this day not sure I far the "crush" went. Though for the most part I forgave her... Our first D is born and M really changes with new baby. Post partum depression hits her...we are both exhuasted and short tempered (very colicky baby). Still we perserver. M still on solid ground and we very much love each other. About 2 yr after baby is born I start to have really second thoughts about my W. Very sexually frustrated (the meds she was on really lowered W's libido). I'm thinking about having A but I do not. Family and M is too important to me. I love my W very much despite frustrations. I didn't mention this to my W until very recently. I'm assuming this was just a phase/adjustment/adaptation I had to go through as a H. Last summer she is fed up with me not helping around the house, not attracted to me any more (I've gained about 30 lb since first D was born), I'm too critical of her and her family, too political, not a christian, too demanding, too different. I write all this down as she is telling me this and I swore to her that I would work on all of these issues and I have (with some back sliding but I immediately reverse the trend if I notice it). We go to conseling and progress appears to be made. W tells me things are OK now (early Fall). I ask her how things are going about once a month, attempting not to be pushy (at this time I had read bout 1/2 of DB). We seem to have weathered a major gale but are still afloat and on course. Mid January this year, I'm shocked out of my mind to hear, even though I have made tremendsous progress she still is not attracted to me (it has been very hard for me to loose weight now that I'm older and the second D was born). I start working out in earnest. Attempt some 180s (I've stopped telling her that I love her, stopped texting her during the day, tried but I keep on failing to NOT hug and give her a kiss after work, stopped nagging for sex, tried to appear happy and content though I feel like I'm going insane). I'm trying to stay strong but I'm afraid things haven't reached there minimum yet. She has almost completely withdrawn from me...we still live together but no sex and hardly any affection. I'm really concerned that is has found somedbody else but she repeatedly deny this I'm very intently attempting to keep my self obsessed with her having an A. I hope this provides more detail. Thanks.
