Well I read the chapter in Solo Partner on pursuit and distance between partners. I haven't even read the rest of the book but already it was well worth the money. I can't imagine why it isn't in print anymore.
Some of it is just a bit off for us, but the principles are "right on." The best description for us, right at the beginning of the chapter is, "Only when she is thoroughly fed up and wanted nothing further to do with him would he be willing to work on their relationship. But as soon as she became reinvolved with him, he lost interest and became cold, distant, and irresponsible again." Not surprising, to me anyway, it said that 80% of pursuers are women, and 80% of distancers are men.
I see this in major things as well as these little exchanges. If I want to participate, he doesn't. When I say nevermind, then he's hounding me to participate. Gardening, which is not even that big of a hobby for me anymore, is now some sort of relational necessity just because I don't want him to.
The book goes on to talk about how I need to completely disengage. Not do things with him, not have sex if I don't want to, not to engage at all, and that I should do this until I'm sure he has changed. That's the only real question I have -- how do I know when he's really changed? I've been duped before, many times, so I'm pretty doubtful of any change being real.
It's almost surreal reading it and relating it to my sitch and what I read on this board. It basically explains why women have to D their husbands before they get their attention. Trying to improve it inside the M actually makes it worse for them. It explains further the DB principle of not begging, pleading, etc. to get your WAS back, except it's coming at it from the approach of the future WAS inside the M.
But the women need it as much as the men, because they need to work on themselves. I'm still sorting through what the book says we're supposed to work on, but it sounds like we need to be cold to our H's, in order to keep them engaged and wanting to pursue us. Basically, play hard to get. Go totally against our natural tendencies to care and nurture and be emotionally involved with our Hs, because that just shuts them down. I certainly have my history of failed attempts to prove it. (And if this is true, it's another question I'll be asking God if I ever get an audience with Him.)
