You are an incredible woman, filled with compassion and insight beyond what I think you recognize.
I agree with Snodderly in that while they hate the situation (and us by association), I don't think they truly hate us. At least not after the anger begins to subside.
Your H, I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't beginning to happen with him. At least a bit. And yes, this is when the guilt begins to set in. My X, couldn't talk to me for the longest time. When he finally did, and opened up about OW, he looked for me to be ok with it, for it to be ok for him. Later, the anger returned briefly. Such is the cycle for them.
Punkin,
I agree with SA and Snodderly...
You are correct in that a D doesn't happen by itself, we all do have our own role in it.
Sometimes that role is simply in realizing that we have to let go. Knowing that we have done everything we could to try to repair our end of the damage.
Forgivness truly is a gift we give ourselves.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
