When it's a one-way street...part 3

[2thepoint]

... Would you mind just adding a little meat to some of the points you made in your response to my Saturday events? I really am looking for alternatives to being interrogating, passive aggressive, antagonistic, provocative, itching for an altercation, shaming, sarcastic and patronizing. LOL! What a list! Maybe just pretend like the interaction was between you and me (not H and W) and what I should have done instead. Is that possible?

OK, look inside the quotation box below for my additional comments which are in blue font.

"I asked him that if he still wanted to talk about it, why did he respond so negatively when I inquired about the email? He explained that it was because the last words we had Friday night and the first words we had Saturday morning were an interrogation by me about the email. He said he was annoyed because I was hounding him about it, that he didn't appreciate being hunted down and nagged about it while he was on the treadmill."

As I was reading your post I was searching for the right word to describe how I was interpreting your interaction with your H and what you write above I think describes it pretty well.... Interrogation.

I'm not sure your H really knows what he wants out of a M. I think he knows he wants something but has a hard time articulating what it is, thus he goes the easy route and on to the internet looking for answers.

"So I asked him how he knows that that's what God wants, and if he could point me to some scripture verses. That wasn't received well...."

This ^^^ seems a little argumentative and antagonistic to me.

The vision I have when I read this part is you are standing over him with your arms crossed and cynically telling him to "prove it!"

How do you think he might have responded if you and him looked through the Bible together in search of the answer? Something like..."H you said this is what God wants. I'm interested in learning more, can we look through the Bible together and see what it says about this?" In this way you are sort of taking a more collaborative approach and working together to become part of the solution

"I said that I could go out on the Web myself, but I wanted to know HIS foundation of belief."

Again, this ^^^ seems antagonistic...

I read this as saying, "Look H, I think you are full of crap and I can prove it, but I'm not going to waste my time!" It would probably have been best if you didn't even go down this path.

"Anyway, I emailed him back Fri morning asking if he had actually read the article that he sent me. He said he had, sort of, while we were talking, so I suggested he might want to read it again more slowly."

A little condescension maybe?

OK, so you busted him here. He really didn't read what he sent you and so you nailed his nutts to the wall. And, when you say read it again "more slowly" you're really putting him on the defensive and he probably felt like you viewed him as stupid. If that was your intent, you succeeded.

If it was necessary to touch on this, maybe it would have been more productive to pull out a few selected quotes and ask him to help you understand what he is thinking, because you're not getting it.

"Some time after he got home, maybe about 6:00, I asked him if he reread the article, he said yes. I asked if he still believed it, and he said yes. I said okay, that's all I needed to know."

I'm puzzled by this. "that's all I need to know" seems very provocative and even a little passive aggressive.

So when you said "that's all I need to know" what were you thinking? What do you think your H thinks you were thinking? I interpret your comment as saying, "H, you've just confirmed for me that you are a stupid." And, I'll bet that is how he felt after you said what you did.

"...checked my email and noticed I hadn't gotten an email from H like he said he was going to do some 14 hours prior. I thought that's what he was doing on his laptop. So I went downstairs where H was paused on the treadmill watching tv and asked him if he had sent the email."

Why the scorecard? And if you hadn't received the email, why interrogate him about whether or not her sent it if you know he didn't? It just seems like you are itching for an altercation....or to prove yourself right, maybe?

Here is where I would say that there is a time and place for everything and this wasn't the time or the place. If he hadn't responded "14 hours later" (oh and BTW why were you keeping track? Score keeping I presume?) I would have dropped it until the issue came up again, and then I would have said something like, "I was waiting for that email you said you were going to send" and leave it at that. No need to escalate.

"I was finished eating and finished cleaning the kitchen ready to leave, so I asked H if he had sent the email. He said no and the tone of his voice was obviously irritated -- the prelude to an argument."

Of course he is going to get irritated. You've been harping on the email and he is becoming defensive. Maybe he realizes he picked the wrong battle with you but you keep coming back at him and he is feeling shamed into reacting.

I don't really have anything else to add to this ^^^^.

"A little later when he was done in the kitchen, he said again that he was going to send me the email and wanted to discuss it. I said it wasn't necessary because it was obviously a high-conflict topic, and there really wasn't anything to discuss. He could hold whatever opinion he wanted regarding marriage and I had no comment to share. He kept trying to ask me my thoughts, but I kept declining, stating that it doomed for failure based upon his initial aggressive response."

So now after you have been pressing for him to send you the email, you tell him it is not necessary. TBH, I'd be pretty PO'd at this point. Again, it just seems very passive aggressive.

You pushed him for the email, so you should have let him send it. By pressing the issue over and over and then telling him to basically forget it, it really comes across a lot like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. Go ahead Charlie, kick the ball, I won't pull the ball away... promise

"The big problem I have is that this is how I act with everybody. If my behavior is that inappropriate, I want to know because I'm apparently offending everyone."

OK, this is how I'm reading things based upon what you wrote above. You have a lot of pent up anger, frustration, resentment, etc. and it comes out in all of your interactions with your H. I don't know if this is how you deliver messages to your H but when I read your post I read sarcasm, condescension, and a thoroughly patronizing tone. Is it possible your H hears it the same way?

And if he does, can you see how the dynamic between you two will never change as long as he feels threatened and shamed and talked down to?