Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

So, I've mentioned that I'm feeling more confident and controlled, and able to handle the ups and downs with some distance and poise.

Obviously I'm due for a slip-up, then...

Yesterday, I messed up. Yesterday, I allowed myself to believe my wife would probably let me spend an extra night at the house rather than leaving at 11PM, driving home, then driving back for church in the morning. I believe that if I had just stayed until 11 (at 8:45, we were about to start a game of Risk with some friends), she would have said, "OK, sleep here.". I'm almost positive of it. She's been doing that frequently, and really... I've been so well behaved.

But I wanted to hear it up front. I asked her to think about it 2-3 days in advance. No answer. I asked her again Friday, and once again Saturday to think about it. When I finally asked her for an answer Saturday night, she said no.

I just felt so angry. Reasonable request. Rrrgh! I was just about to put the kids clothes in the laundry and take out the garbage and decided to do neither instead and leave early. I calmly walked away and prepared to leave.

Then ten minutes later, I came back and swore at her. Basically, "WTF is this? Why do you have to behave this way?" Friends looked on with horrified looks. Wife just looked dumb like I was speaking another language.


I realized I'm actually feeling a lot of anxiety right now. I'm anxious her EA is getting in the way more than before. I have been not chasing her, and yet, she's been pushing me away. Something feels wrong. I have no way of knowing what is up, but that doesn't make things better.

I'm talking to a coach on Monday, W is talking to her on Tuesday, and we'll probably both talk to her at a later time. It's probably a big deal that W consented to this. And it's probably really great for us.

But the vibe I'm getting from my wife is not good, I do not understand it, and it's making me really anxious.

I know I have to just let this happen, but I'm really anxious to know what will happen in our coaching sessions. It's taking a lot more effort than usual to just live in the here-and-now.

I am learning how to do it though. And reminding myself never to allow my happiness to depend on anything my wife does.