When it's a one-way street...part 2

[2thepoint]

No worries, CV. Apply these in your own time.

"It's just that I can't even imagine myself saying/doing that right now. I couldn't pull it off without it sounding insincere."

I understand. It is probably very foreign to you considering where you are at emotionally.

One thing to keep in mind, random acts of kindness pay big dividends.

Here are two examples:

My friend/roommate is D and his Ex and him have had bitterness between them. She moved 1000 miles away with their son, so he has to make time to see his son regularly at great expense. The bitterness between them was palpable and co-parenting was difficult at best.

One day he made the trip to see his son and knocked on the door and his Ex answered. This time, he did something different. He shook her hand and said hello Ex. That simple gesture of respect opened up big doors for them in their relationship. It still isn't perfect but the ice has melted significantly and they are much better at co-parenting then before.

Here's the other example:

The other day I went into Starbucks and ordered a coffee and danish. I attempted to pay with a $100 bill. Apparently they have a policy that they don't accept anything larger than a $20. This policy annoys the hell out of me. It is money and it is legal tender and they should accept it.

Now if it was first thing in the morning and they didn't have enough cash in the drawer, I could understand. But this was mid-morning on a Saturday and they had two registers going at the time. I was so annoyed and I was really laying into the cashier abut not being able to make change between the two drawers. The point is, I was working myself into enough of a lather that I could have foamed my own cup of latte!!!

Anyway, some guy standing behind me puts his hand on my shoulder and says, don't worry about it, I got you covered. Well, you could just imagine how quickly my dander went down several notches. I finally relented and paid with my credit card.

Bottom line, there are ways to change the dynamic in a situation and some are subtle (shaking someones hand) and some more overt (offering to pay for someones coffee in order to diffuse an escalating situation).

So although it feels unnatural, you'd might be surprised by the reaction you'd get AND how YOU feel about it, if you did something totally unexpected.

[Crazyville]

I liked your examples. I love doing RAK's. I went to the dollar store once and bought a bag of dollar umbrellas, then drove down the road and handed them out to people waiting at bus stops in the rain. It was so fun! But it was also completely non-commital. No one that received an umbrella was going to think it was an invitation for sex. (extreme, I know.) Point is, I'm don't want a big response from H. I don't really even want any response from him right now, I just want to stop doing things that are interpreted as being offensive, by him or anyone.

Phase one, baby steps.

Continuing to Part 3

[Accuray]

Hi CV,

I definitely feel you are itching for an argument with H, even though you may feel you are being calm and rational. From my interpretation, your opinions are well considered and well researched. You have a lot of conviction in your beliefs, and you feel that what you believe is well-justified.

H, on the other hand, seems to be constantly getting caught flat-footed. He is not well researched or well thought out in advance. He's coming into these conversations not well able to express himself and tries to wing it.

When you sense he's doing that, you pounce. You try to shine a light on his contradictions and irrational statements. He then sees that you're out maneuvering him, and he gets embarrassed, defensive, and/or belligerent because he's been painted into a corner. It seems that when he realizes he's been cornered, he just wants to let the issue drop and walk away, but you keep chasing him to bring his point to a close when it's obviously not going anywhere.

Honestly it comes across a bit like bullying -- you are smarter, faster, etc., where he is slower, less prepared, less able to think on his feet. It doesn't seem like you respect him, so you treat him like someone who is not worthy of your respect.

I think you're putting a veneer of "nice and accommodating" over the top, but it's easy for him (and the folks on this board) to see through that right away.

WRT the tactical dilemmas, snoring makes me nuts too. Not being able to get a restful night of sleep is the worst. Some suggestions:

1) Twitching: How about a king bed composed of two twins pushed together? That way you have your own mattress and may be insulated from his twitching. You can still touch across the gap before you fall asleep and when you wake up, but when you're sleeping you're isolated.

2) Snoring: Either you need to deal with it or he does. You can't both do nothing. He could try breathe-right strips, or other solutions from a doctor. You could get used to wearing earplugs. One of you would have to do something.

WRT the respect issue, do you believe your H is as intelligent as you are? DO you respect him? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you feel contempt for him and look down on him. If that's the case, it's going to be hard to get back to loving him.

Accuray

[Crazyville]

Post continued on Part 3