On a funny note, S11 also snores. Plus, he does the equivalent of gymnastics and talks in his sleep. Once in a while, S will get up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with me or H. I usually give him a few minutes and then shuffle him back to his own bed. On the occasions that he crawls in with H, H lets him, but then complains in the morning that he didn't get a bit of sleep because of S's snoring! He's even gotten up and gone to sleep somewhere else because he can's sleep with him.
I think it's funny, but also sad that he still has no compassion/empathy for how difficult it is for me to sleep with him, and he wants me to every night.
You find a lot of problems. Where are solutions? Have you tested ear plugs to see if you still hear the smoke alarm? You can always put a baby monitor in your son's room to hear him. Have you tried a memory foam mattress and white noise?
What is it that H would like that you are unwilling to work on?
That is a tough one. But perhaps something like, "H, I understand how you feel about us sleeping together and respect your views on this. The problem is that I really don't sleep well because you snore and twitch throughout the night. Do you have any ideas about how we can make this work for both of us. I know this is important for you and it is important for me too. I'd really like to find some way for us to work this out."
Give him time to think about it but don't harp on it. If he hasn't gotten back to you in a day or so, bring it up again but this time say something like. "H, remember we talked about the sleeping arrangements the other day? Have you been able to come up with any ideas? I was doing some research and here are some ideas that have been suggested...... What do you think?"
Give him time to process. He is not going to expect this approach from you and he is probably not going to know what to make of this new approach of yours.
Sit back and let him process and see what develops.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
OT, I'm not going to cycle back into discussions of the past. Let's just say we have a history. Everyone has one. Time to move on.
I'm looking for solutions for our interactions, not solutions for how to get H everything he wants in everything in life. If my responses are antagonistic, I want to hear a response that would not be antagonistic. If my response is argumentative, I want to know how to respond in a manner that is not argumentative. If I need to change something, I need to know what it is I need to change and what that change would look like.
When H forwards me a link that seems to completely contradict his actions, but claims he believes it, how do I respond? I'll be honest and say that in this case, I probably was condescending. (What would the corresponding feeling? Shock? Disbelief? Confusion?) The article he sent me was the equivalent of someone handing me a magazine article about the benefits of being a vegetarian, while cutting into their 3-lb. New York strip on the plate next to a 2-lb. lobster tail, while telling me it represents everything they believe.
How do I respond??
It sounds to me like your H really struggles to have his voice heard/understood so he reaches for what he believes is the authoritative answer on a given subject (i.e. the internet).
I'd be really interested in understanding if you two could have a conversation without the need to prove a point - your H by needing to prove his point with internet links and you by needing to be right or prove him wrong or that he is contradictory.
Maybe best to find a different medium in which to carry on conversations.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It is easy to say time to move on. But your bitterness is poisoning your responses. Can you give voice to your pain? If you can acknowledge it it might help you in your present interactions.
Your bitterness causes you to read your husband as being a hypocrite rather than a man who wants a more loving intimate relationship with his wife sexually, for instance.
"H, I understand how you feel about us sleeping together and respect your views on this. The problem is that I really don't sleep well because you snore and twitch throughout the night. Do you have any ideas about how we can make this work for both of us. I know this is important for you and it is important for me too. I'd really like to find some way for us to work this out."
Give him time to think about it but don't harp on it. If he hasn't gotten back to you in a day or so, bring it up again but this time say something like. "H, remember we talked about the sleeping arrangements the other day? Have you been able to come up with any ideas? I was doing some research and here are some ideas that have been suggested...... What do you think?"
Okay, T, this sounds great. But I may have to file this for a later time. I think I could do the first part easily enough, and honestly I think I have (which is why it has escalated to "God" wants us to sleep together.) But I don't think I have it in me right now to "work" at getting him what he wants, especially when it's something I'm not wanting. Remember, I'm the WAW.
Please don't interpret my response as rejection. I definitely hear a very positive tone in your words. It's just that I can't even imagine myself saying/doing that right now. I couldn't pull it off without it sounding insincere. Is there a way to respond that isn't rejecting, without including the "inviting" part. I keep thinking back to Crimson's statement that LBS's get a small sign of R, and respond with the equivalent of a running tackle. I definitely don't want to encourage that.
I'd be really interested in understanding if you two could have a conversation without the need to prove a point - your H by needing to prove his point with internet links and you by needing to be right or prove him wrong or that he is contradictory.
Funny, that's exactly what I thought I was doing when I didn't pursue any justifications for his belief in the article, but just said I wanted to confirm that he truly believed it, but was told that I was being "very provocative and even a little passive aggressive."
