When it's a one-way street...part 2

[2thepoint]

"I asked him that if he still wanted to talk about it, why did he respond so negatively when I inquired about the email? He explained that it was because the last words we had Friday night and the first words we had Saturday morning were an interrogation by me about the email. He said he was annoyed because I was hounding him about it, that he didn't appreciate being hunted down and nagged about it while he was on the treadmill."

As I was reading your post I was searching for the right word to describe how I was interpreting your interaction with your H and what you write above I think describes it pretty well.... Interrogation.

I'm not sure your H really knows what he wants out of a M. I think he knows he wants something but has a hard time articulating what it is, thus he goes the easy route and on to the internet looking for answers.

"So I asked him how he knows that that's what God wants, and if he could point me to some scripture verses. That wasn't received well...."

This ^^^ seems a little argumentative and antagonistic to me.

"I said that I could go out on the Web myself, but I wanted to know HIS foundation of belief."

Again, this ^^^ seems antagonistic...

"Anyway, I emailed him back Fri morning asking if he had actually read the article that he sent me. He said he had, sort of, while we were talking, so I suggested he might want to read it again more slowly."

A little condescension maybe?

"Some time after he got home, maybe about 6:00, I asked him if he reread the article, he said yes. I asked if he still believed it, and he said yes. I said okay, that's all I needed to know."

I'm puzzled by this. "that's all I need to know" seems very provocative and even a little passive aggressive.

"...checked my email and noticed I hadn't gotten an email from H like he said he was going to do some 14 hours prior. I thought that's what he was doing on his laptop. So I went downstairs where H was paused on the treadmill watching tv and asked him if he had sent the email."

Why the scorecard? And if you hadn't received the email, why interrogate him about whether or not her sent it if you know he didn't? It just seems like you are itching for an altercation....or to prove yourself right, maybe?

"I was finished eating and finished cleaning the kitchen ready to leave, so I asked H if he had sent the email. He said no and the tone of his voice was obviously irritated -- the prelude to an argument."

Of course he is going to get irritated. You've been harping on the email and he is becoming defensive. Maybe he realizes he picked the wrong battle with you but you keep coming back at him and he is feeling shamed into reacting.

"A little later when he was done in the kitchen, he said again that he was going to send me the email and wanted to discuss it. I said it wasn't necessary because it was obviously a high-conflict topic, and there really wasn't anything to discuss. He could hold whatever opinion he wanted regarding marriage and I had no comment to share. He kept trying to ask me my thoughts, but I kept declining, stating that it doomed for failure based upon his initial aggressive response."

So now after you have been pressing for him to send you the email, you tell him it is not necessary. TBH, I'd be pretty PO'd at this point. Again, it just seems very passive aggressive.

"The big problem I have is that this is how I act with everybody. If my behavior is that inappropriate, I want to know because I'm apparently offending everyone."

OK, this is how I'm reading things based upon what you wrote above. You have a lot of pent up anger, frustration, resentment, etc. and it comes out in all of your interactions with your H. I don't know if this is how you deliver messages to your H but when I read your post I read sarcasm, condescension, and a thoroughly patronizing tone. Is it possible your H hears it the same way?

And if he does, can you see how the dynamic between you two will never change as long as he feels threatened and shamed and talked down to?

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Please don't take this the wrong way, CV. I want to share a little story with you to maybe help you understand how you might be coming across to your H and possibly to others...

Years ago I worked with a woman who was very intelligent and very attractive. But she was also the biggest PITA. I was her supervisor and she had this habit of turning EVERY INTERACTION into a conflict.

Something as inconsequential as asking her to recheck some work would turn into a 15 minute discussion about how her work wasn't valued. After we would solve that mini crisis, she would bring it up with another supervisor and round and round she'd go. Then later, she'd find a way to take her "issue" to human resources and then we'd go round and round again.

It was the most unpleasant working relationship I had ever had to work under before or since. She would turn molehills into mountains at every opportunity. She would create tempests in teapots at every turn.

She was just one extraordinarily difficult person to work with and everyone felt the same way about her.

Now I'm not suggesting this is you. But, some of the behaviors you describe seem similar enough to me that I thought I'd raise them to your attention.

One of the vets has a quote in their signature block that reads... "Be happy or be "Right"".

For me that is a constant struggle because I have this need to always be right and it doesn't work well at all, in my R with my W.

So, maybe what you should consider is evaluating how you interact with H and possibly others and see if there is an opportunity to adjust your approach some and see if you get different results.

Also, there is a book I'm reading at the moment called "How to improve your marriage without talking about it". You might find it very interesting and insightful as it relates to your sitch.

((((CV))))