Thanks KD, and 2. I've read Sandi2's post. I want to go back and read the rest of that thread. I actually went back a couple weeks ago and read Sandi2's beginning posts. I read about a year's worth before I was spent. i think maybe it got a little discouraging seeing how long it took, and the little progress she was making. But I'm glad she's where she wants to be now. Sometime I'll have to try and dig through the rest to see some actual progress that got her to where she is today.
In the meantime, I'd like to post some current stuff. I don't want to discuss the past anymore. I don't get any value out of it. So I'm going to take a breath and regroup. I'd like feedback on MY stuff. Although my H says I contribute negatively, he doesn't really help with what it is or what I should do differently.
So, the current sitch. On Thursday, H and I had a brief discussion of what he wants in M. He listed a bunch of things, stating that God wants us to x, y, and z. So I asked him how he knows that that's what God wants, and if he could point me to some scripture verses. That wasn't received well, but I don't know my alternative option. I'm not just going to sleep in the same bad as him and sacrifice my sleep because of his snoring because he said God wants it. Suggestions on MY stuff here, please?
So while we're chatting, he gets on his laptop, Googles "what God wants in marriage," and scan/reads the first link in support of what he's saying, though it still had no biblical reference in it. I said that I could go out on the Web myself, but I wanted to know HIS foundation of belief. He forwards me the link. On Friday morning, I read the link, but I'm very surprised by what it says. It says that God wants married people to be best friends and describes what best friends are, how they act. The surprising part for me was that very little of the article reflected on my H at all, and much of it completely contradicts his choice in action. For example, the article states, "The best sex is the mutual giving of our body to our spouse -- nobody should be making anyone have sex; that's selfish and using the other person for your personal gratification and purpose." Yet he's insisting on sex when he knows I don't want to.
Anyway, I emailed him back Fri morning asking if he had actually read the article that he sent me. He said he had, sort of, while we were talking, so I suggested he might want to read it again more slowly.
Some time after he got home, maybe about 6:00, I asked him if he reread the article, he said yes. I asked if he still believed it, and he said yes. I said okay, that's all I needed to know. One of the things I'm working on is not offering my opinion or comments. Also, not initiating deep, and subsequently long, conversations. He pursued a bit to find out why I asked, but I just remained firm and didn't engage, and just explained that I wanted to make sure I understood correctly. So he sat down with his laptop and said he had some others he wanted to send to me and wanted to discuss it further because he really wanted to know why I asked him that. End of any discussion.
The night went on. He sat with his laptop, I played some Words, S watched some tv and played some video for a bit. We briefly discussed if H wanted to do something then or wait until Sat night, and he said Sat. I offered to go get some Chinese food, brought it back, we ate, discussed the food and decided we wouldn't be going there again, finished dinner, H went back to his laptop, S and I put in a scary movie and cuddled on the sofa. After a while, H put aside his laptop, laid down to watch the movie with us and promptly fell asleep. We finished the movie, S started another movie on the DVR, I spent some time on my laptop and finally went to bed about 11:30, leaving H and S on the sofas.
Sat morning, I slept in a bit, got up, cleaned the kitchen, checked the laundry, checked my email and noticed I hadn't gotten an email from H like he said he was going to do some 14 hours prior. I thought that's what he was doing on his laptop. So I went downstairs where H was paused on the treadmill watching tv and asked him if he had sent the email. He said that he hadn't but he would, and I said I was just making sure he didn't think I had received it already and was waiting for me, and I left.
I went upstairs and finished in the kitchen and S came downstairs for breakfast, so I made him some pancakes. H came upstairs, sat at his laptop for a few minutes. I let him know that there were some extra pancakes if he wanted some. He set his laptap aside and came to the kitchen, checked on the pancakes and said he was going to make some eggs, too. I was finished eating and finished cleaning the kitchen ready to leave, so I asked H if he had sent the email. He said no and the tone of his voice was obviously irritated -- the prelude to an argument. So I said that it was apparent to me that we were on the brink of an argument, and according to a commitment I had made in an earlier discussion this week, that I would immediately set it down and walk away, I did just that. (I made this commitment because H is very conflict averse and he claims I always want to argue.)
A little later when he was done in the kitchen, he said again that he was going to send me the email and wanted to discuss it. I said it wasn't necessary because it was obviously a high-conflict topic, and there really wasn't anything to discuss. He could hold whatever opinion he wanted regarding marriage and I had no comment to share. He kept trying to ask me my thoughts, but I kept declining, stating that it doomed for failure based upon his initial aggressive response.
I asked him that if he still wanted to talk about it, why did he respond so negatively when I inquired about the email? He explained that it was because the last words we had Friday night and the first words we had Saturday morning were an interrogation by me about the email. He said he was annoyed because I was hounding him about it, that he didn't appreciate being hunted down and nagged about it while he was on the treadmill.
So I need your reflection on this please.
The big problem I have is that this is how I act with everybody. If my behavior is that inappropriate, I want to know because I'm apparently offending everyone.
