The idea behind you reading Passionate Marriage was for it to inspire you to action. Instead, I'm just seeing more introspection.
Are any of his concepts helping you initiate sex, or get any closer to doing so?
Starsky
The answer would be yes, that it's helping me get closer to doing so. In order for me to have sex, I must have sex on my terms. I've been trying to have sex on her terms and in her style. I've also been too focused on other-dependent intimacy (too performance focused, going to pieces when it doesn't go well, avoidant of conflict). I have to get better at holding onto myself during conflict, including sexual conflict. I don't feel like I'm avoiding or procrastinating, but have gone back to the drawing board in terms of how I view intimacy and sexual problems.
The author uses a term called self-validated intimacy. He views conflict as potential for intimacy. This is a time to share who you are and what's important to you. This is not a time to be dependent on approval or validation. If there's one thing we've learned in Piecing, it's that our partner will not always be there to validate or support us or the M. I've also learned that avoiding conflict, walking on eggshells, pacifying my W, or giving in doesn't work either.
I've been good at other-validated intimacy (listening, spending time together, compromise). I've been a turtle when it comes to conflict, thinking that conflict is a sign that's something is wrong with the R and me--that I've failed once again. This book is giving me a perspective to manage conflict in a different way (holding onto and revealing myself). This would be a 180 that needs to occur, or there won't be any sexual intimacy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
